I... don't have much to say for today's post.

Probably going to spend the moment the clock and date turns 12am, January 1st 2020 doing nothing special.

Not really looking forward to year 2020... But I might attempt to list what I want to do for the whole year. Nothing big. The main important thing is to take small steps towards them.

Lately I've been using the phrase "If I can do it now, I'll do it NOW" more (it was from this post). It's a surprisingly fun way to make me do things...? Try it!


≣≣≣≣≣★≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣

With this post, I have reached the end of my NaBloPoMo adventure for December 2019.

I did it! 33 posts in 31 days, [at least] a post a day for the whole month!

I've posted:
♛ somewhat controversial things about myself
♛ some filler posts that aren't readworthy.. *laughs awkwardly*
♛ posts that showed my jumbled up state of mind...
♛ random posts about my old books and foods (the horror lol... but it might be nice to blog about some of them in the future though)
♛ about random photos (from my photo stories label)
♛ photos of my chibi self (HAHA)
♛ some posts with negative vibes (can't help it, it's part of my current state of mind)

Whatever it is that I posted, I am glad that I made through the end. For me, it's more about committing to doing something everyday which I had lost confidence in doing some time ago.

I hope you'll have a great New Year tomorrow!
I know I won't but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying the first day of 2020.

Go! Have fun with whatever you're doing for New Year Day!

≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣★≣≣≣≣≣

Something interesting happened today. I mentioned before that I purchased some books via Lazada (BookXcess Online). They contacted me through Whatsapp today to inform me that the Frankenstein book was not in good condition and asked me to cancel that particular book (it was their last copy). I asked if it's still readable (because they mention it being torn) and yes it is. Then I told them to ship it together with the rest of my order because I'm fine with it.

The conversation made my day. I think it was nice of them to do so! I actually had similar experience before when I purchased via Kinokuniya online. The books I ordered had bent covers (if I remember correctly) and they e-mailed me to ask if I was okay with it. This might just be me but when they pay attention to small details like this I feel kind of touched by their consideration for their customers. In both situations, I accepted the books even though they have flaws. This coming from someone who will always try to pick books with the least flaws in physical book stores haha.. I guess I'm lenient towards online book stores...? (ﾉ'∀`*). I don't really have any noble reasons for accepting them.. I just want to read the book. 

What will you do if you're in the same situation? Will you accept the book and its flaws?

"Eight reports of children diagnosed with Influenza A H1N1 in Sabah since Dec 15" - Borneo Post Online [Link]

Brunch at Sabah Chilli Pan Mee

"The Hunger Games Companion", originally priced at RM32.90.

I have no idea what to post today so I'll just share these 5 random posts from my personal tumblr...

2. This is me when I'm doing something reckless (and probably don't care if I succeed or not)... and also when I play games XD

3. I really reblog a lot of these, huh? I have always believed in this. Funny story. When I was little I was worried about falling out of love after marrying. So the solution I thought of was I should marry someone I can be best friends with so that I could still live together with that person even if that happens... and who knows, I might fall in love with him again. As of now, I haven't met anyone who's crazy enough to put up with me.

4. I love books. I want to live in a place with bookshelves filled with books and manga everywhere.

5. So here we have a glimpse of my other fandom, Skip Beat!. I love the manga! I also love Tsuruga Ren's voice actor! They should've let him sing for the anime too because he has an amazing singing voice!

I did this meme before (like in this post and this). Excited to do it again this year!
[ Thursday 13 ]

In alphabetical order

1.  appleminte (art)
2.  Chloe Rose Art (art)
3.  Gab Smolders (games)
4.  HikakinTV / HikakinGames
5.  John Wolfe / John Twolfe (games)
6.  Kasey Golden (art/craft)
7.  MrKravin (games)
8.  NerdECrafter / NerdEJackie (art/craft)
9.  Onosaka Masaya - New Young TV 小野坂昌也☆ニューヤングTV
10. PockySweets (games)
11. SeikinTV / SeikinGames
12. SuperRaeDizzle / the weird side of rae (art)
13. TwoSetViolin (music)

Tumblr of the Day:


Found this on Tumblr.

Extra comments...
① Most recent was Howl's Moving Castle (Folio Society). I wanted it but that's a luxury I couldn't afford to have now.

② I use Goodreads but I also have a note in Evernote that contains dates I start and finish a book (that I didn't bother to update in Goodreads). The problematic one will be my want-to-read list. I used to make one in GDrive then I moved the list to Evernote, which hasn't been updated since like forever.
③ It used to be like that before but I think I can control myself now... I think I did well when the Big Bad Wolf Books was in Kota Kinabalu. My family might disagree with me though.
④ Nope. Not true for me. I think people don't know that I read...? And I'll just be honest if I never read the book.
⑤ I just let the situation be awkward and/or give a "So what?" look.
⑥ This is a struggle, yes. *glances at my long wishlist on Kinokuniya, Amazon jp, CDjapan, honto, popular*
⑦ YES.
⑧ *nods*
⑨ This one's interesting. Does it mean to read more books or you stop reading? Because I have (had?) both. As I said before, I want to get back to reading as if I'm thirsty for books. I also have a reading slump.
⑩ I do this but I don't recommend it. Sometimes some books are left unread (I hate it when that happens).
⑪ Yes.
⑫ If I like the series, I will finish it (unless it's long and hard to find). So this might apply to series I lost interest in?
⑬ Oh.. did this several times before because I was curious of the ending. Probably not going to do it again.
⑭ Yeah... about this.. I just give up lol.. if there's someone who's going to talk to me I'll close the book. No point in continuing if I can't concentrate on reading.
⑮ I've been told that I spend too much on books (even though I have a pile of them that I haven't read yet!)
⑯ Ooohh.. and reddit threads! I love looking at them!
⑰ Sigh.. I wish they used another phrase for this but okay..
⑱ This was me in secondary school.

It's quite rare to see this stuff. My family doesn't always host such dinner party.

We had dinner at Restoran Masakan Sedap.

Ahhhh... I guess we're halfway through Christmas events? *not excited for tomorrow*

Still in cranky mood since I woke up. I managed to sleep earlier last night so I'm feeling less like a zombie today. A thought came to me after I woke up. Yeah, so actually I got something like a stomachache and nausea when I was about to sleep. But in the morning, that uncomfortable feeling is gone. So I began to suspect if I'm stressed out by Christmas events that's coming soon...? There aren't that much really but the thought of having to meet so, so, so many people stresses me out.

In primary school, for music classes (which didn't really teach much music stuff other than just singing), we usually had singing recital of some sort in the end of the year. We can pick any songs from our music textbook (a songbook of local, folk or children songs, if I remember it correctly) and perform the song in front of everyone in class. That stressed me out, seriously. I'm actually quite shy when I was little...I think.. so singing in front of the class was something really, really hard for me to do. I remember once where we were told it would be held tomorrow and I got home worried.... until I got a stomachache. I don't remember what exactly but it wasn't due to food poisoning... probably too much gas in the gut?  And I ended up not going to school the next day (but I think it got postponed anyway so I probably didn't get out of singing lol). Years later then only I started thinking that stomachache might be stress-induced.

OMG! Do I have a weak digestive system? When I started working in 2017, I would always worry about getting stomachaches. I would always get bloated stomach... probably due to work stress..? What.. why do I only realise this now? Come to think of it, I had a really bad case of food poisoning in Primary 1. I remember that I already seen the doctor and got my medicine.. but every time I eat, I would throw up everything (probably including the medicine) out later... I don't know how long was that but I ended up hospitalised overnight, hooked up to an IV drip (I don't know what for though).. So it has been weak for so long???

Anyway. So, one of the events is happening tonight and like.. it's just eating dinner why am I so stressed out now.. uurgghh probably won't eat much. I have learnt to not eat or eat less when I was still working to lessen the probability of getting bloated. I still eat now out of necessity (that's sooo weird to type out and I'm making it the title of this post :P) but there are times where I'm not interested in eating.. I can even get stressed out if the portion of food I got (in restaurants) are too big because I can't finish it.

I'm soooo sleepy today. Has lack of quality sleep (for almost a year since I quit my job) finally caught up with me? I have this new label series called Happy Sunday, which features posts about something I'm happy about that happened in Sundays. Sunday is among my least favourite days of the week so it's my attempt to make the day a sunny day. And... I can't even be bothered to do that today because I've been so irritable (besides sleepy) since morning.

It's scary that it's almost like the zombie mode I get into when I pull an all-nighter...  I do try sleeping early (10-11pm) but I would end up waking up around 1 or 2 am later... like what's the point?

*NERVOUS SIGH*

I received an e-mail saying that "I" changed my e-mail address for my Netflix account. I don't have one though...? [My brother has kindly shared his account with me so yes, I don't have one registered under my e-mail].

I checked if I got charged or anything but nothing. I did installed the app before but didn't go through with the trial part because I refuse to give any payment info (so it was incomplete). And because I'm a paranoid person I decided to contact them via Live Chat. The person I chatted with was very helpful. I explained my situation. It was more like I just want to inform them the account isn't mine in the first place. That person helped me get "that" account back. THANK GOD. Of course, I straight away changed my password and sent an email to them to close down the account. Hopefully it will go well.

Urrggh.. I'm completely spooked by this! Recently been playing Orwell and that really doesn't help in calming me down. I also saw "Searching" early this month (loved it BTW! Highly recommend it if you're a fan of computer screen movies like me)... and... ahhh... please calm down, me!! AHHHHH


Edit 28/12/2019: Received a reply after 6 days. They told me the account's registration was incomplete and they had deleted my account. Hopefully, no more weird updates to "my" non-existent Netflix account.

Draft from early 2019
One of the things I like about blogging and managing blogs is re-reading my old posts. They are basically my thoughts (at that time) being "recorded" online. And it feels so interesting to revisit them years later. It's usually "WHO ARE YOU??" for me but anyway they are still really interesting.

For example, this display of my dramatic side lol:

I CAN'T WORK WHEN I'M PRESSURIZED & I'M A PERSON WHO IS TOTALLY AFFECTED BY MOODS -from "Alec 苏有朋 VS Alex 苏友朋", posted on 12/Feb/2005

I have a draft post created in Dec 29th, 2012 about my last class of the semester. Seeing it now... I don't know why I never posted it. It's quite complete... I probably planned to add something at the end but... hmm.. I could post it backdated anyway.. maybe I'll do it next month after I finish this month's NaBloPoMo.

Not much progress on my labels at this moment. Added some new ones but I haven't rename the old ones which I don't want anymore.

Photobucket problems had haunted my blog again. Following a comment in this post, I realised my blog template was being weird. The funny thing was I couldn't see it in Chrome until I opened my blog in Chrome's incognito mode (also tried it in Opera & IE with same results) that I saw that some images didn't load properly. I was mortified. It looks like those images didn't work well with Google Photo. Had to reupload them elsewhere to make it work.

And because my blog uses old template, I had to manually add the cookies notice thing.

Editing the template html really made me feel like I'm back to blogging haha. Honestly, I wanted to cry whenever something doesn't work. I forgot that the jump link thing doesn't work anymore (and I can't add the codes manually) so I ended up using the hide/reveal feature in the "A Short Photo Log" post, which worked fine. (That was such a fun feature I need to use it more!)

I also started embedding tumblr posts (it's convenient nowadays because Tumblr got it ready)... I feel like whatever I posted or reblogged on Tumblr gets buried down in my Tumblr so embedding some of the memorable ones here might bring light to them again.

Probably going to edit my "About Me" section to something that reflects the current me.

About Me (as of 17/12/2019)
I'm predictably unpredictable, inconsistent, random & eccentric. Sometimes arrogant and silly. Always curious. Read that again without the snobbish tone.

I still think they are correct (to some extent) but recently I've been thinking if someone asked me "What are you?" I will answer them, "An alien." So.. yeah. I got weirder, stranger and a bit more anti-social.

Today my church had their Christmas party. Early, yes, because most people are going back to their kampung or travelling elsewhere later..

So it has started. I'm sooo not excited for all Christmas-related events. Don't know when it started but I'm not too fond of Christmas.. and every year I will always find something that makes me like it even lesser.

I just want to celebrate it by locking myself at home, not meet anyone and wait until New Year's Day to come out. 

Went to Karamunsing today. An hour later, I suddenly felt like avoiding the crowd. I don't want to be around people I don't know. I just want to go home. The urge to create art was also there. I must create something today.

Blogthings: Do You Worry Too Much?

Sigh. I'm probably already a worrier from before. This year I somewhat confirm that I worry a lot...? And these past few months, there were times I could get so on edge I seriously thought something bad will happen. I find it harder to be calm again after that worry switch got triggered. I'm just hoping that it won't be worse in the future.

Also, it's kind of ironic that I worry about dying when I don't care about it anymore. In one of my morbid moments, I had said "What if I die in a car accident? I don't want that. I want to die with my own terms," when asked to use a car with faulty power steering system (the steering became very difficult to turn).

I just saw this on Twitter... OMG. Arashi..on Netflix?

『ARASHI's Diary -Voyage-』
2019年12月31日Netflix独占で世界へ配信開始。
ARASHI's Diary -Voyage-
Premieres globally December 31, 2019. Only on @Netflix.#嵐 #ARASHI pic.twitter.com/7wpBIInYY7

— ARASHI (@arashi5official) December 12, 2019

#ネトフリ オリジナルドキュメンタリーシリーズ「ARASHI’s Diary -Voyage-」配信決定⚡

人気絶頂の中、活動休止の道を選んだ #嵐。
5人のメンバーの揺れ動く想い…ここでしか観られない"リアル"な嵐を描き出すドキュメントが毎月配信！

12/31（火）17時より全世界独占配信スタート！#大みそかは嵐 pic.twitter.com/2ZVbowN5Tt

— Netflix Japan (@NetflixJP) December 12, 2019

Arashi to Star in Netflix Documentary Series https://t.co/ML0J368yJ4#Arashi #嵐 @arashi5official pic.twitter.com/DejScwONYq

— ARAMA! JAPAN (@aramajapan) December 13, 2019

ARASHI's Diary -Voyage- (Netflix)

Tumblr of the Day:

I saw this in my tumblr dashboard few months ago. It reminded me of my collection of stationery. Gel pens. I used to love them... love collecting them(?). In 2002, a friend gave me some gel pens after she got back from Australia and one of them was a fluorescent orange one. At that time, I love gel pens with such colours so this one became one of my favourite. After realising how often I use it, I stopped using it to preserve the ink.

Then, this year I had to throw it away even though it's not empty. It's just not usable anymore because the ink just won't flow out properly.

"I should've just use it until the ink runs out."

I had many similar moments when I deep-clean my room. I found things that broke/disintegrated, basically a state where you can't use it anymore, even though they were still new/unused. *sigh* Fortunately, this lesson helps to guide me now whenever I decide to purchase something (but doesn't always apply XD esp to interest/hobby related stuff).

If you ever want to buy something, especially expensive stuff, make sure you or someone WILL use it. Gift it to someone else if that's possible. Or it will end up as unused waste in the future. A character said this before in a game I play, "If you won't be using a thing in a year in the future, then you don't need the thing." I loved that since I first saw it and have always mention it to people around me since then.

Bookworm damage again

Found old school books today. And a box of old photos. I was laughing as I sorted them out haha.. Here are some of my chibi self:

Drove my father to the hospital to visit my aunt who was hospitalised there.

*sigh* I don't really like going to hospitals now. They make me feel uncomfortable. They also make me recall things like people can have many faces and two of them are gross and mean. I would have mentioned selfish but people are naturally selfish so nothing new there. 

Not really surprised that my recent tweets have a depressed tone to it. I'm pretty sure most of my tweets when I was still working were me being salty all the time.

A few days ago, this happened:

Twitter's trends list is broken. I hate it. I don't care what's trending locally. Give me back what I've set it to. Give me back Japan trends. #dontgiveadamn

— Ruth (@RuYanda) December 4, 2019

...and well the next day I saw #SpotifyUnwrapped trending which got me curious. I didn't use much Spotify this year but what I got for mine was pretty cool. This was my top played song so can you imagine how majestic my Spotify Wrapped played through until the end?


Bwahahaha. It's like I got outed as a Jay Chou fan. I was pretty meh (do love some of his songs) about him in secondary school because I tend to avoid popular things at that time. But last year, I suddenly got into listening his songs so this might be why he's my "Artist of the Decade" on Spotify. I just started using Spotify last year though.

I played his songs mostly at work. It helped me went through bad days at work. I was extremely fond of his non-ballad, weird/unique songs which I found suited my [dark] mood during work.

1) This song is about doing what it takes to win. What's the most recent competition you won? (Yes, online solitaire counts.)

2) The lyrics tell us to "go ahead and put your bets on me." Do you often play games of chance -- like the office football pool, or slot machines, or the lottery?

3) The video includes footage of young people competing in The Special Olympics. What's your favorite sport to watch? Is it the same sport you most enjoying playing?

4) This week's featured artist, Carrie Underwood, first came to America's attention when she won on American Idol. Prior to competing on that show, she'd never been on an airplane. How old were you when you took your first flight?

5) Carrie loves horror and her favorite author is Stephen King. What book are you currently reading?

6) Carrie's duet partner on "The Champion" is rapper Ludacris. In addition to making music, he acts and has appeared in one Sam's favorite shows, Law & Order: SVU. What's your favorite "cop show?"

7) Ludacris is a distant cousin of comedian Richard Pryor. Have you studied your family's genealogy?

8) Soccer was a big deal in 2018, the year this song was released. According to Google, "FIFA World Cup" was the news story that generated the most internet searches. What's the last thing you "googled?"

9) Random question: You're battling the flu. The doctor advises you to stay in bed a full five days. As you begin feeling better (around Day 3), do you continue to follow doctor's orders? Or do you get up and start moving before you're supposed to? 

Sabrina The Teenage Witch - Mummy Dearest

Yellowed pages and bookworm damages(?)

Don't go printing out my posts in colour and bring it up on a meeting as an attempt to shame me. -Me, 2019

I'm teaching?

I'm healing?

I'm revamping?

This post is a bit special. It's actually a draft I had from year 2016.

The original 2016 draft. 

pic.twitter.com/Weus327MQL

— PostSecret (@postsecret) June 14, 2016

[just reblogged this]

I can't really say I didn't do any reading. I read... through other mediums.

Tumblr post of the day:


I'm...slowly getting there.

Maybe one day I'll start sharing them here.

Tumblr post of the day:
Sigh.

It's the first day of December 2019. So, hello.. December...? After cleaning up the photobucket mess on this blog, I got somewhat motivated to start blogging again. I want to revive this blog... probably - I say PROBABLY - will attempt to blog everyday for this final month of year 2019.

I'm going to start with this:

5 New..ish(?) Things I Found Out About Myself Recently. 
Yeah. Maybe new or new-ish? I guess I'm finally acknowledging them in a post..? Also some might be related to each other.

(1) I have a dark side. - Kind of realised this when I was working with a private company (2017-18) in a.. very highly toxic work environment. Maybe it was my defence mechanism at work but oh boy I'm still left wondering "What was that?" after I quit. It doesn't help that I'm still hurting inside now, which encourages that dark side to come out at times.

(2) I'm not a fan of hand-shaking. - Simple. I got sick several times after shaking someone's hand. I know it doesn't always start from there but urghh I just can't stand it. I'll have my hand sanitiser ready for any occasions that needs that. Bonus: People coughing behind me or sneezing nearby is one of my current pet peeves.

(3) I'm probably a Machiavellian. - Also something I realised when I was working. This might belong under (1).. but I had tried to manipulate some situations (like intentionally spreading my thoughts to well-known office gossipers). *sigh* I might had also played devil's advocate to certain people with intentions of getting a better work environment (it didn't happen, but last time I heard, one of my senpai who got bullied often because she's a total pushover managed to leave that place). I believe that I did all that with good intentions and for self-protection in a toxic environment (it was truly something like "kill or be killed" situation).

Please don't enquire more about this. I'm not ready to tell.

(4) My "black years" phase never ended. - It happened again when I was in the university. Which might have played a part in my dropping out of university. I tried seeking out help from the uni's student counselling office. I mentioned that I might have depression but the idea was instantly dismissed because, in her own words, "You will need to take medication if it's depression."  ┐(´д`)┌  Anyway. It resurfaced after I quit my job last year. Honestly, I feel like I'm half dead since then.

(5) I've thought of death in a way I never do in the past. - Yep. It was when I was working in a... *I'm tired of repeating it at this point but here goes...* toxic environment. You can expect some kind of negative drama every week at my old place of work.. it could be a blaming game and then a backstabbing game next week. It didn't take long for me to see that my job there was a position very looked-down upon and highly bullyable by other workers. It was a really frustrating time and at times I had thought that dying would be easier. I think that was the first time I had such mild suicidal thoughts.

Okay, let me just get this straight here. I don't have those thoughts NOW after I quit but I have my morbid, negative moments. Yeah.. erm I don't really know how this works but I have something inside me that tells me not to do it. It's not worth it. Honestly, I think I'm in some kind of depression limbo throughout this year so I can't offer any assuring words but I want to believe that I'm healing inside.



So.. sorry for that gloomy stuff in the end.

This is me at the start of December 2019.

宜しくお願いします<(_  _)>

Some tumblr post for the day:



More blogthings!

Did these in an old post before. I was curious what the answers will be now...

#1 Inside the Room of Your Soul
Whoa.. a bit different.. The 1st and 3rd probably suit the current me.



#2 How Sarcastic Are You?
Oh My Gosh. This is so true I can't even deny it.
Got a lot of practice at work v(￣∇￣ ).
Sharp tongue, huh.


#3 What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?
Sigh.

#4 What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
Hmmm...


--EXTRA--

#5 Do You Have a Type A Personality?
That was kind of surprising.
Unrelated: I used to... hmm.. I guess I'm still a bit of a perfectionist. I still try toning that side down because I get really frustrated whenever I could not get something done perfectly. I learn to appreciate and accept imperfection (which can be beautiful and appropriate in its own way). But I will totally reach for perfection if it's within my reach XD... if not, I don't want to think much about it and just keep doing what I want to do.


#6 How Daring Are You?
"Calculated risks"


-------------------------------------
P/s: I finally did it last month! Perfect combo!

P/s2: Take it however you like: I had my love for UtaPri re-ignited last month. I think it was 2013 or 2014 that I got into the UtaPri fandom (through the anime). My crushes included Tokiya, Ren, Masato, Ranmaru & Camus. Some stuff happened in February and it led to me confirming my love for Ren (voice!!!) & Tokiya (voice, again!!!).. yup totally in that order lol. Surprisingly, Masato remains as my crush but I got like a crush on his seiyuu too (his talking voice is just my type). I did it in my Tumblr & Twitter accounts but..: Have I ever mention here that I have a voice fetish ♡?? I have a few seiyuus I'm crushing on but Konishi Katsuyuki is totally on the top at this moment ♡♡♡

I was really, really shocked by the news last Sunday. At first, I saw it on Twitter so I was like "WHAT???"... Based on my understanding of one of the oricon article, I know that kanji isn't about disbanding/disbandment. I actually understood correctly that it was about having a break - hiatus.

Honestly, I couldn't understand what was happening. Even now, I don't think I've digest enough of what's happening and what's going to happen. At night, seeing the news about their press conference, I finally cried. When you have so many emotions happening at the same time, I think the only thing your brain can do is make you cry.

Please excuse my language/grammar/whatever in this post because I... sigh.. I really shouldn't be online because I see them everywhere. But I still want to seek for more news... reactions... whatever things related to.. I don't know.. to understand? Although what's not to understand? I actually expected it would happen. I don't want to say much.. but if you see and read about Ohno's feelings on being an idol in the early years, you kinda know it. So, the next day I realised I wasn't sad about Ohno (because he's finally going to take a break) but I am really, really sad if I don't see the five as Arashi anymore. Maybe it's the selfishness of a fan in me that's talking, but I can't imagine Arashi continuing their activities with one of them quitting.  *sniff sniff...I'm crying while I type post this so please bear with me...* I haven't watched the press conference yet but I've read & seen the articles/photos...  I AM SO GLAD THEY LET HIM TAKE A BREAK INSTEAD OF QUITTING. *sniff* Even without watching it myself, I felt their strong bond and support for their leader's decision.

If I were merely an Ohno fan, I probably wouldn't feel so sad about it. But along the way in 2010, I came to love Ohno and get to know him together with Arashi through so many things - I think it's inevitable that I became interested in the other members too. I've also fallen in love with Arashi.

I am an Ohno Satoshi fan. I am also an Arashi fan. And the news shook me to tears. It introduced the thought of Arashi not being Arashi anymore... and that makes me tear up every time I think about it.