Attended the viva presentation (for my program) yesterday... & also the day before. But I missed the morning sessions because I woke up late XD

I attended once before. It was during my batch's viva... Didn't go to the 2nd (Project II) one but I've heard horror stories about it. If I really have no idea on how to write a research paper, I would be very, very, very scared by now. *sigh*

The second day was scarier. The problems were still the same (it really doesn't matter if the head program doesn't know much math) as before, lack of researcher's skills... erm... things like that. To be honest, I find that the comments given by the lecturers (including those I have issues with lol) were potentially very helpful - should be helpful for them in their research but alas... some of them didn't even understand what they did wrong (they were clueless when asked if they understand what the lecturers just told them). Of course, the way they express their comments wasn't always very nice... so it might be hard to listen to them... but their suggestions were helpful, especially for a screwed up thesis paper.

I know that I will face the same thing next semester, but... あの日、ドSになっちゃった。I'm not even sorry for making that my initial reason of attending (I learnt a lot though in the end so I was glad I went... *hopefully I'll remember them*)... but seeing overconfident 後輩たち crumbled (esp those who I find rude before) was such a pleasure (言っちゃった!). Yes, I'm saying this so carelessly without any guarantee that the same thing will happen to me. Maa... if I screwed up, it would be a nice story to blog about anyway...

Oh yeah. One thing that really caught my attention was the strictness of which language is allowed for them to use for their thesis. At the beginning of the semester, I saw some of the permission (to write their thesis paper in english) form sent (by juniors) at the general office & wondered if they are up to it. During the viva presentation, some students were asked about their MUET band (I was surprised because I thought they got higher *overthinking*) & the head program passed his judgement like "You do in Malay!" (even though that person did it in English) in the end.. I actually thought あくま looked so cool doing that!!!

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楽しかったです～

I skipped November this year!

Only for this blog though. 

So... this week was the week they submitted the draft for the first 3 chapters of their final year project. Me excluded. (Off-topic: I found out I wasn't alone. There's another guy who's in the same batch with me who will start doing his thesis next semester. Hello friend! lol). 

Anyway... been taking classes with juniors since few semesters ago.. I'm able to recognize most of them nowadays (except those I rarely talk to) although, honestly, I couldn't remember their names. *bitter smile* They remembered mine though... Gee. Was/Am I discussed that much by other lecturers? *perasan XD* Some of them are naturally lovable... They are usually the mood-makers of [certain] classes.. And of course. Some were annoying. That's not really a problem. The ones that could occupy my mind with anger (& a bit hatred *I'm being honest here*) are the rude ones. With my inner conspiracy theorist & Naruse-like thoughts at action, I used to always wonder just what assumptions about my character were told to those juniors by あくま et al. Okay... maybe it's unrelated... *thinking too much kind of thing*.. but a few weeks ago, I find myself offended by what some of them said & did (different people) - yes, I'm ashamed to admit to myself that I can be petty & sensitive during those moments... moments I will not mention here - I spent hours replaying those scenes in my head... I know it could get worse so I decided to play the ignore card again. It worked out beautifully.

Ahh... Now I feel like pouring out everything here. Maybe later.. in other posts.

"There's some kind of prejudice going on," said my conspiracy theorist side. It's inevitable...? Students who extend their studies in university only consist of failing/repeating students... you think? (Maa... It is true for my case. I didn't forget that fact.) But that isn't the only reason they have to extend... *sigh* Alright. I guess, for lecturers, they speak with experience - they had seen other realities... but I'm not obliged to agree with them all the time.

Especially if the lecturer is someone who spreads unproven accusations around & in risk (or maybe it has happened?) of damaging a student's reputation... I don't have to always agree with what this kind of person said. 

Few weeks left until the day the first episode of Kagi will be aired...! *excited* 

SIGH.

For two weeks (or maybe three), I thought of doing something important every Wednesday (the class is held every Wednesday morning - I was always reminded of it). Yesterday, finally, I made the decision. Yes, yes, yes... I have every reasons I can think of to justify my actions. Why can't I continue if everyone else is doing fine? 

I can't do it because I'm not "everyone else".

I can't do it because of what I am. 

A practical, selfish perfectionist. 

Gosh. I know it's not the time to take a luxurious option like this. But if I don't do this, I think... I think... I would not survive for other similar important things. I need to stay sane or I'll shut down & won't care about doing my best for my final exam/G5 piano exam. 

... and. As expected, programming assignments/homework take a lot of my time this semester. What makes it worse is the fact that my programming skills aren't the best... I can spend hours (e.g 4 hours *true story*) on a problem & still I can't think of the solution. Recent programming assignment had me sleep-deprived & worried for the whole week. I'm very terrified of the class. I have even started having weird dreams & nightmares now.

As if it can't get worse... things escalated even more. I heard from my friend today that the supervisor I was hoping to get might not accept any students now. What a let-down. The lecturer sounded like she doesn't expect much from a Math major...  moreover, she is more into programming stuff... Of course, I'm aware of it... but I don't think I could fit in with other lecturers... or even other topics. 

The only thing I can do now is do some online research on the topics I have interest in... before the semester ends... so that I can show her (or maybe other lecturers?)... & if necessary, beg her to accept me XD

This is how future looks like now...

Removed dead link to image.