Regarding Monday's story, I was just going to mention about my personality type, which is INTP... maa.. 

On Wednesday (March 13th), I had a group discussion at my school's foyer. The assignment involved programming using Prolog... which we aren't too familiar with (but is fun to play around with after you know the basics). Well, while discussing, sometimes our fellow coursemates came & gave out some not-so-helpful :P comments. Two seniors in particular were like this: "Don't ask us, we only learnt about theory [during our time].." This was perfectly understandable. Anyway, the comments that bothered me came from a someone (from the same batch with me & already graduated) were...

"What? You're doing programming using this ancient language?"

And then this same person suggested that we ask S-san ("His programming skill is good, he must know something") for help. An hour later, S-san, who was going to have lunch (if I remember correctly) saw us.. & sat with us. We asked him if he knew about Prolog & his answer was, "No." I was a bit disappointed but I did expect something like that. 

Erm... programming isn't really my favourite..uh.. activity but hearing him say "ancient" made me feel sad. It was like when あくま said half-jokingly, "We don't need artists anymore because computers can make realistic paintings". Actually, it felt like my heart died a little (exaggerating much XD)... I was thinking... ah.. this is the kind of person who's pursuing postgraduate studies now *sarcastic*. 

I don't see the need to call it ancient. Newer doesn't mean it would be better...

Actually.. it annoyed me. I was expecting a more passionate [with his field] kind of post-graduate student. Such comments gave a gist to his way of thinking. It's not pretty.

Hah... Maybe I'm being jealous. It was like seeing two students practising their japanese language aural exam. I didn't have the chance to join the classes. They'd studied so long but they still couldn't pronounce things correctly. I take pride in my way of thinking. It was irritating to see someone like that already graduated... & me still stuck (lol). Maa maa... It's my own fault for being lazy really XD

Speaking of being an INTP, it's a pity that I'm not into programming... because when I get obsessed with something, it can be frightening. 

Attended the viva presentation (for my program) yesterday... & also the day before. But I missed the morning sessions because I woke up late XD

I attended once before. It was during my batch's viva... Didn't go to the 2nd (Project II) one but I've heard horror stories about it. If I really have no idea on how to write a research paper, I would be very, very, very scared by now. *sigh*

The second day was scarier. The problems were still the same (it really doesn't matter if the head program doesn't know much math) as before, lack of researcher's skills... erm... things like that. To be honest, I find that the comments given by the lecturers (including those I have issues with lol) were potentially very helpful - should be helpful for them in their research but alas... some of them didn't even understand what they did wrong (they were clueless when asked if they understand what the lecturers just told them). Of course, the way they express their comments wasn't always very nice... so it might be hard to listen to them... but their suggestions were helpful, especially for a screwed up thesis paper.

I know that I will face the same thing next semester, but... あの日、ドSになっちゃった。I'm not even sorry for making that my initial reason of attending (I learnt a lot though in the end so I was glad I went... *hopefully I'll remember them*)... but seeing overconfident 後輩たち crumbled (esp those who I find rude before) was such a pleasure (言っちゃった!). Yes, I'm saying this so carelessly without any guarantee that the same thing will happen to me. Maa... if I screwed up, it would be a nice story to blog about anyway...

Oh yeah. One thing that really caught my attention was the strictness of which language is allowed for them to use for their thesis. At the beginning of the semester, I saw some of the permission (to write their thesis paper in english) form sent (by juniors) at the general office & wondered if they are up to it. During the viva presentation, some students were asked about their MUET band (I was surprised because I thought they got higher *overthinking*) & the head program passed his judgement like "You do in Malay!" (even though that person did it in English) in the end.. I actually thought あくま looked so cool doing that!!!

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楽しかったです～

Arashi's "truth". I always listen to this when I'm angry.
Edited 7 years later. Music video from Arashi's own youtube channel!

Current mood: Bitchy.

Yesterday, while I was busy with the processes (had to go to many places to get the form signed) of renewing my matric card (3 words: Expired. Extension. Important.), I received a text message from my friend about DrA (gosh Mel! I'm so tempted to use the nickname あくま for him *such a perfect initial*). I had given him my form (I want to take another subject this semester but I'm one credit hour over the allowed amount *15*) the day before. Written comment(s) must be attached to the form before the dean can sign it. He knew that all along... & yet he didn't inform me earlier... *annoyed* *あくま！*... Anyway.. he had problems with the subjects I plan to take this semester (all 3rd year subjects).. he suggested that I switch programmes (I'd thought of this before) & I explained I don't want to because I couldn't stand going through another 3 years (AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO/CAN USE THE DEGREE TO GET THE JOB I WANT LATER *arrogant*). Then he further suggested I change - re-take some 2nd year subjects - because all the 3rd year subjects are killer subjects. HUH? You think I'm not aware of that?? ...to be honest, to me, all of them are killer subjects because I hate what I'm studying now! I didn't get it why he was so against the subjects I decided to take this semester! Maa... I can understand if it involved the subjects he teach, I can TOTALLY UNDERSTAND if he doesn't allow me to take them... but it really baffled me. I thought "What the heck was going on?" while I was holding back my tears... 

While he was typing out the official memo (the "comments" needed), I couldn't hold them anymore. Amidst my tears-shedding moment, something he said caught my attention. He was saying something like how could he allow I take those subjects when I failed four subjects... blah blah blah... Then I realised that he was referring to my old results (actually I already barely passed three of them!!). WTH? 1&*^$*@83!!!!!!!!!

To make the story short, for this semester I'm not going take his bloody class. I'm allowed to take the other subject (in which he's in charge of the lab tutorial session) if only I will report to him about my progress (& if it's bad, I have to withdraw from taking the subject).

Life is complicated. 

Anyway, I cried because I couldn't accept the way he was treating me. Yeah, I know, I REALLY KNOW & AWARE that my results aren't good (but that was mostly because I didn't care to study *so bad!*) but I'm not stupid! My ego just can't handle that treatment... I know that I'm good at a lot of things [I like]... he sounds like he's assuming that I'm bad at that. Among the things he asked me was if I finished taking my language classes... WHAT language class? I already got that over with many semesters ago... so obviously he thought I'm taking the 5-semester English class!!!! WHAT???? I know my english level isn't the best, but I dare say mine is better than his! There, I said it! *Arrogance=MAX*... Of course he speaks in english with confidence but he's always committing grammar mistakes *says the grammar enthusiast in me* HUH! 

At this moment, I'm so/still bitchy & bitter about the whole thing that I can't find a place in my heart to respect him anymore. I plan to ignore him for the rest of my life. Expect bad behaviour from me whenever we meet!

I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate it just like I always do in previous semesters. Actually it's the BIG gap between classes that bothers me a lot. If the day is really packed with classes (like 30min-1hr break in-between), the day wouldn't feel that long. But having to wait for 4 hours before the next class is a torture to me. 

Gah.

Already have some ideas of what to bring for lunch tomorrow. Can't bring myself to go for lunch at the school's cafeteria. Don't know why... I just don't like it. 

Anyway. Maybe because I got used to waking up late in the noon during holidays :P, I was energetic during the first hour of Adv. Math class today. Almost everyone was sleepy from the beginning of the class. Though... my attention span reached the limit at the last 30min :P , where I started getting distracted by little things.

Today was annoying… but I don’t know what was it that made me feel annoyed. It’s like everything is annoying.

Sometimes or (really) most of time, honestly, I hate having my mistakes pointed out.

Because…

(1) I already know what my mistakes are (in situations where you can’t change what have happened). Conscience has a loud voice. Having someone say something[=mistakes] that I already thought of/said to myself IS IRRITATING. I rather have them do like my piano teacher always do – by asking me if I know what my mistakes are, let me list it out myself (optional) – and move on. I don’t listen much to people who always nag. 

(2) I don’t think it’s a mistake just because it doesn’t follow what you usually do. I don’t think I’m that biased to side with myself (because I don’t like myself that much) so I’m pretty sure I know how right/wrong something is in general.

(3) I feel guilty just like any normal people will do when I just realised it was a mistake after I did it.

(4)… but of course, in rare occasions, I’m okay with mistakes that I know ARE mistakes (& I didn’t realised I did it) being pointed out.

(5) <reserved for anything not covered in 1-4>

 Many things had happened since my last post. Mostly mundane things. Haha. Somehow, I don’t want to admit that I’m busy ‘cos that’s the most lame excuse one can give when they didn’t update their blog.

Anyway. I had mid-terms exams for some of my courses… and mostly I didn’t feel good about it. *sigh*

 I have yet to defeat Procrastination. Huh. Lately, I’ve been feeling that Time is taking revenge on me. I didn’t use it wisely, and now it seems like everything is falling on me… “Are you done with this assignment?”, “Have you send the draft to the lecturer yet?” Bla bla bla. Of course, it’s nothing worse like my Ethics ex-group.

I can’t keep doing this. Need to do something. Fast.

Is it too late to figure out what kind of student I am, my best way of studying, & balancing time between work and play etc..? In the past, I would be afraid to know the answer. Following what works for others didn’t work for me in form 4/5 (it backfired too). I like to learn things. If possible, I want to know at least a bit of every knowledge in this world. But because of my interest in everything, I can get easily distracted. Being organized doesn’t seem to agree with me. Or maybe I am the one who refuse to be organized. Awww… See. I don’t know how to manage my studying self.

Before, in Form 6, I always study (or revise) whenever I have time. That means the time available between classes (where teachers come and go), but in the end… I feel that I didn’t accomplish anything at all. What’s worst was it’s sending wrong messages to other people. People (may) had thought I looked hardworking and diligent but actually I wasn’t. During those time, I always feel tired… & looking at Biology notes or Maths formulae just made it worst. Like it or not, I study according to my moods. *sigh*

When I pay attention and focus to something I’m studying, I think it’s not because I’m hardworking – it’s because I’m obsessed to know things. I like to have fun with the facts, formulae (or anything!)… or make fun of it (bad!) ‘cos I can understand and remember them better that way!

I’m afraid it’s too weird compared to other people’s way of studying. I have to think of a way (or ways)  to manipulate my bad habits to my advantage. I know it can be done. I just need to figure them out and… always go with my curiosity side (or whatever that is). Let’s see what will happen then.

Oh, yeah. My early plan to look stupid isn’t working well. Foolish, I know. I just want to see how it will turn out. It’s fine for a while until the “Ethics” group incident. I wasn’t like my usual self. I hate, hate, & hate(!!) certain people in the group and I wasn’t afraid to show it to them. I couldn’t stand working with them… those low-class minded creatures. (woo.. blue=evil-me)

I know they’re chasing the As’… Funny how I ended resenting people like this now (considering I was like that or almost in secondary school). Kiasu. As expected from their kinds. But with their level, I don’t think they should even think of dreaming high. They think they are ‘the best’ already and doesn’t need to change their way of thinking and attitude. Despicable.

All these arrogant remarks won’t do me good.. but for now, I just want to let this out.

*sigh* Dunno what will happen to me in the future? Had “meetings” almost everyday at the university’s library without much result to show. Hmm. Maybe because I wasn’t there to see the results. My group doesn’t need me anyway – they have a another leader that is “more leader” than me, someone who met the lecturer face to face, someone who knows what to be done bla bla bla. I'm only a leader by name (I didn’t even ask to be one!). In the end, I started having doubts whether I’m capable to lead in the future, having doubts on my knowledge and way of thinking, having doubts in my abilities and talents… Although I know how lousy I am as a leader, I was rude in every group meetings. I can’t believe someone with that kind of brain is studying in a university. (Yes. My arrogant tone is ON.) Oh yeah. That’s the kind of people who’s going to lead the future of Malaysia (or Sabah), one who doesn’t dare to think far and out-the-box, who only want to “stay safe” and talk beautiful but empty ideas. Some people are just not born with the right intelligence. Yay to the future!