I think it's easy to figure me out. If I like or have interest in something, it's very clear by the way I talk about it. I tend to ignore or avoid things I hate (unless when they become problematic and I have to address them). Most of the time, I just pretend those things don't exist. The problem [for others] is, I think differently...? That's why it's hard to predict what my motivations are. But, if you know me well enough, you'll know it's really simple. 

Today I've been reading... my old diary of *let me check again* five years. There weren't that many entries but.. whoa.. I really poured out my thoughts in those entries, huh. I was surprisingly very, erm, perky in them. Past-me was trying hard to be positive(?). I called it false positivity this year when I roughly recall those years but... actually it wasn't really that. I think at that time, I thought that was the only way to "fix" the stuff I was going through. If not, I might've shut down. (There were mentions of suicidal thoughts but they were more of the "This is so bad but not that bad bad that I would do that" kind). There was also an entry about me getting an appointment with the uni's counselling officer... but I didn't mention the meetings in detail. Which just shows how much help I thought I was getting from that (-.-). 

It's Sunday. 

I feel very lazy today.

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Other posts
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Scales again *happy*
I've seen Arashi's "Training Camp"!!! Love the sight of Arashi + piano. And WHOA. I was impressed by Sho's piano rendition of "Hatenai Sora". For a moment I forgot that this is the Sho who always fail athletically (on their variety shows anyways, I don't know how athletic he is in real life XD) , he looked so...[Read More] ===============================================

September is leaving... :/

Anyway. Another blog meme - interesting questions!

(Join this blog meme here)

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"Just Like Me"

1. Who in your life do you think behaves and thinks the most like you do?

While I have some friends that think like the way I do, I confess I never found someone who is like me. I don't even know if I want to meet that person. (I did found some fictional characters from books and TV dramas that seem to be similar to me.)

2. As a kid, were you ever wrongly accused (and punished, if it went that far) for something you didn't do? If so, what was it? What happened?

Ermmm... there's one, but it's nothing big. When I was in kindergarten school, during a class, the teacher walked out for a while and warned us not to be noisy. She proceed on drawing an ugly face on the chalkboard. She said she will write the name of the person who made noise during her absence under the drawing. As expected, some of my classmates made noise. I kept quiet. Then the teacher returned. She asked us if someone had been noisy. One of my classmates said my name.

That drawing

And then my name appeared under the ugly face.
(If you're wondering why I even bother creating that image... I actually made this two years ago for my fiction blog ;P)

3a. What about as an adult, were you ever wrongly accused for something you didn't do?? Do you think it's worse to be accused as a child or an adult? Why/why not?

Can't think of any. Actually, I am tired of being a reserved, goody child/teen - so I try to stop being one. It started when I began talking back to my parents - then some other things happened, causing me to change my ways again - then... now... I've become more of the defensive sort (to people who knows me : if you never saw me like this, then you need to read this blog more often. XD). Still a bit reserved, but I wouldn't hesitate to fight if it's a life and death -ish matter. I seem to avoid confrontation if possible (this is only applied to friends and acquaintance).

I think it's worse to be accused as a child because a child can't defend himself because of limitations in vocabulary and knowledge of the world (how things/relationships work; Dos and don'ts etc). Well, this is merely based on my experience. Different people have different childhood experiences.

3b. What’s the scariest weather situation you’ve experienced?

The Greg storm/typhoon in the 90s. I couldn't sleep at night because I was frightened by the strong wind.

4. If you could wake up tomorrow morning in another country, where would you want to be and why?

*blushes* I want to wake up in France. I haven't decide where yet (I want to explore!) but most probably in Paris. I chose France because I just recently realised my blossoming love for French language although I already started learning it last semester. Paris was because of Nodame Cantabile. (Geez.. I don't know how I got myself so immersed in Nodame Cantabile...)

5. Instead of going to work Monday, if you could spend the entire day doing something else--any one or two things that you absolutely love doing--what would you do?

Instead of going to classes on Monday, I would want to spend the entire day watching japanese dramas. Sorry, my current state of mind is like this.

6. What sites (other than meme sites) do you use most to help you post on your blog?

I usually visit http://thedailymeme.com/ (I found "Saturday 9" blogmeme from there). Oops. That's a meme site. Ja. Sometimes I get some ideas on what to blog from Blogthings by answering some interesting quizzes. But most of the time, I blog when I have thoughts that I want the world to know.

7. Check out a post on your blog from six months ago (March 2010) and tell us what is different now about your blog and/or life?

Terrifying! I had only one post on that month - "Bad Feelings...".
Nothing different from before. Especially this part :

"... but added with current happenings regarding assignments, presentations & mid-term exams - I can't help feeling overwhelmed and helpless. It seems like there's no change in my attitude compared to last semester's. I don't feel worse than before though because I don't have much expectations for this semester. I confess... I'm not bothered by my mid-term exams at all.. *which is a really pathetic reaction to have at this moment.* I'm more worried about my group assignments. I'm afraid that I'm not doing my part good enough. What makes it worse : I'm pretty selfish with my time and space. For me, every start of the week is a struggle because I seem to fall into a zombie-ish mode where I can't think clearly & focus on studying because of exhaustion."

*Huh.. what a pathetic study life I have*

8. What was the last photograph you took?

This :

9. Which fashion trend do you believe is the most horrendous and why?

I don't really follow fashion, so I can't say much about this. The worst thing I would call a fashion trend that I find unpleasant is ugly ("Oh my, that's so ugly!").

*In case you didn't know, I turned 22 today. This is a compulsory birthday post to be made every year.*

An updated chronology of my blog (last year's is here)

┏━━━【２００９】
┃
┣━「Whole Nov」 My first completed NaBloPoMo month.
┃
┣━「Dec 17」 Went to Tawau for the first time to attend my cousin's wedding.
┃
┣━「Dec 31」 First semester's result.
┃
┣━━━【２０１０】
┃
┣━「Whole Jan」 Second completed NaBloPoMo month.
┃
┣━「Feb 17」 How I was named.
┃
┣━「April」 Classes ended. Exam month.
┃
┣━「Apr 22」 I thought the black years (year 2004-2005) phase is over, but apparently not from this post.
┃
┣━「May」 Incomplete NaBloPoMo month.
┃
┣━「Jun 7」 My second trip to the same dentist. Brave enough to get two of my bad teeth pulled out.
┃
┣━「Jun 22」 Second semester's exam result.
┃
┣━「Jun 25」 Bye bye, Sis.
┃
┣━「July」 Wow. I didn't blog anything at all in July.
┃
┣━「Aug 13」 Me and my tantrums. Kind of funny to read that now.
┃
┗━「Sept 1」 This post.

There are some things that I never bother to mention in my blog before. Like having my hair short throughout Semester 2 (thanks to Nodame who made me see that it's not that bad to have short hair). Also, I originally wanted a red SE Satio but in the end I chose SE's own first Android phone (which I just named Shiro X10 today). And then today, I was surprised by the "arrival" of a purple Dell netbook - a birthday gift from my parents (OMG, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!)... And then those birthday wishes from my family (including extended family) and friends...THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Fuh. Enough shouting.



(I really miss blogging very much.)

Today, my brother returned home and told us (my sister and me) that he failed his BM paper (school exam). He said he screwed up his Paper 2 - there were questions he didn't understand so he answered wrongly.

After he told that to us I recalled an event I had in Primary 4. I never failed any paper since Primary 1 so when one day, my maths teacher returned our math test, I was surprised to be called to the teacher's table in the front of the class. I got a 9. It was so shocking and embarrassing. It appeared that I left so many questions unanswered. I don't remember why I didn't answer them.

Being one who always scored well in Maths (that time lah), it was a humiliating moment. I didn't answer anyone who asked what my marks were. Maybe I did tell someone in the end but... wow. It took a lot of courage (for me) to "pretend" that I don't care. I think I even laughed it off saying "Oh.. I did some mistakes. It's 9. I forgot to answer at the back of the paper."

:)

Just some random story of my past. But looking at the story from my current way of thinking... It told me that "Anything can happen." I must always be aware of my surroundings. Always observe. Always pay attention. I can do well in Maths in the past, I can do it again in university.

And the most important thing I learnt now from the story : Failure is not something to be ashamed of. I can learn more from failure than success. To do that I have to acknowledge the failure to myself.

I'm sorry if you think otherwise. Maybe... you're not there yet.

Feeling much like I was in Form 4/5 since yesterday.

Alone on this road to nowhere. No one to tell me what to do. No one to tell me which way to go.

Oh.. right. Why do they even want to care? Why do they even need to care?


The last time I felt this way was in 2005 and early 2006. Now they are coming back to haunt me.

Just last night, I cried to Switchfoot's "Twenty-Four" song to sleep. You know, those out-of-blue kind of tears... It's not even because of how I did my exam yesterday. Just that... I suddenly realised that it's not completely over. Those feelings that I desperately want to forget and conceal with other so-called positive things still exist. They didn't appear (during f6) because I made sure of myself to not go down the road again, avoiding things that could trigger those emotions, including [maybe], putting efforts in studying. I don't know. This past could have been holding me back now.

All those good things could merely have been illusions. Or beautiful distractions. Or really just temporary, meaningless things.


Come and go...
So... nothing.




I can't believe that this is happening again.



*Nags are the last thing I need right now. Shutting myself off.*

Totally O/T: I just saw Mamma Mia movie last Sunday, & I was surprised by Colin Firth's voice! Not bad for someone who isn't a singer by career. My image of him in mind is still Mr Darcy though.. & seeing 'Mr Darcy' sing felt like a fairytale. I love seeing actors I like sing.
---


I had a really weird week.

Okay. The week hasn't end yet but now I tend to see my class days as weekdays while class-free days as weekends (including Thursday =P).

Monday, 8am-4pm. Two classes with a 'class' gap ("Language and Communication"'s lectures ended early this semester!) between those two classes.
Tuesday, day started late because the lecturer for morning's class was away, 11am-4pm. Plus another 6pm-8pm session at my music school. They always have these music theory trial exams before the real exam day which I have to attend to get good marks (I'm okay with this).
Wednesday, almost like Tuesday. First lab class was cancelled this week. Second lab class started at 10am (+ replacement class for last 2 weeks) - 1.5 hour. Then another lab class at 4pm. French class (replacement class for today's holiday) at 5.30-8.30pm.

Crazy hours. Added with these facts, it gets crazier : I rarely eat at campus (so I always miss lunch BUT I drink a lot, okay. I have to keep myself hydrated) & I don't take the university bus. I always walk. It's very therapeutic to me (although my legs think otherwise =P).


Anyway... I'm not blogging about that today. It's just that I realised how I've gotten a bit weird (or weirder, if you prefer that) since mid-semester break ended. It happened in those 3 days I just described.

It's like I've become happier... which is hard to believe because I have so many assignments/projects to be done, last minute-ly again. So the only plausible explanation would be I've totally lost my sanity it. Instead of slowing down, I'm taking the "shutting off" approach to deal with the stress. Yikes.

I think I've shut off a part of my senses. I feel like talking all the time. I dared to answer my lecturer's question, got it wrong & I felt okay. I mean, I didn't feel embarrassed or something like that. I don't even care if I was right or not before answering, I just feel like speaking out whatever's in my mind at that moment. Another thing. I had three surprise quizzes this week, & of course I didn't study or revise anything at all, but I could still smile after I handed in my incomplete answer sheets. I was thinking "Why bother if I couldn't answer? Just focus on what I can answer... but don't repeat the same mistake in the future. Must study."...

Then... I [could] find joy in every little thing I see around me. Hmmm. I can't believe I just said that. As much as I find that's too melodramatic... it's true! I didn't know why everything seemed funny during those three days. I laughed or smiled for no reason. I also smiled to random people including strangers. I'm pretty sure I'd shut off the "If x happens, do y" part in my brain.

I stopped caring for a while what others think or say. I just want to do what I think is right.


I can actually love being this way.
:)

Blog meme from here.

Saturday 9: Don't Stand So Close to Me.
---
Answered with current state of mind...
---

1. Who would you like not to stand so close to you?

People I find annoying. Smokers. Perverts. Criminals.

2. Which of the following aspects of your life would you think rates the highest: mind, body or spirit?

Mind. I admire how my mind works. I'm still in the process of understanding how it works though...

3. What is your favorite movie line?
4. What is your favorite movie title?

Sorry, I'm skipping these two questions. I have several favourites but I keep changing my favourites so it doesn't mean much anymore... I do like watching movies but I don't watch currently showing movies because I stay away from cinemas as far as I can. My source for movies is either TV or DVD/VCDs. Maybe I'll just share this random me-fact : The first movie I ever watched at the cinema was "Jurassic Park". I remember there's a Coca-Cola (or was it Pepsi?) ad showed before the movie started and I was begging my parents to bring me home (thought it didn't matter if returning home means I have to spend time with granny)... but we stayed on anyway. Which might be the reason I'm interested in dinosaurs...

5. What is something that has happened to you that you would consider a miracle?

Nothing miraculous happened to me lately.

6. What do you try to stay away from?

Book stores!!! Seriously. I can end up buying many kinds of books because of my random interests in anything. Fiction books. Astronomy. Paleontology (Dinosaurs!). Hobbies. History. Music. Jonas Brothers. Lol. It's crazy.

Anyway... it's very important to do this now because I'm saving my money for a Satio.

7. What is it too late for?

It's too late to want to pursue a career in Medicine or Music. Sigh. I know it's still possible but there seem to be something that's stopping me. Maybe my real interests aren't really in those areas. Or maybe... it's because I'll be more satisfied to know/learn any knowledge in this world without having to practise (too much pressure). Knowledge is free. You just have to be smart enough to find it yourself.

8. Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

Erm... This "Dear Joe" pic Joe tweeted which was created by i.love.joe on Flickr who was inspired by "Dear John" movie poster...

9. Would you rather be famous now & forgotten after you die or forgotten now & famous after you die, forever? And why?

I would rather be famous now & forgotten after I die. Haha. Simple. I need to know that I'm famous. I don't care anymore after I die.

I don't believe in the fact that I'll be completely forgotten after I die... there must be at least one person who will know/remember. I'll make sure of it.

I love books. But I’m not necessarily a bookworm. I really, really love to keep books. I still have many un-read books in my bookshelf.  

---

Now I have 3 French dictionaries. Yes. I’m lexicon crazy. I’m not even sure if I’m going to use them much in the future. But I’m 75% sure I’ll use them. *self-denial*

The middle (dark blue one) is my first French dictionary bought at City Mall’s Popular Bookstore. I like the size… Not too big & not too small. Pronunciation guide is included unlike the light blue one’s (Oxford Learner’s). That one was bought at Signature (or Eaton’s? ‘cos the stationary section is called that).

What I like about the Oxford Learner’s dictionary : Le (masculine) or La (feminine) is added straight away in front of every words. I just realised the importance of this in French dictionaries during class where the lecturer kept asking us if this or that thing is masculine or feminine. *sigh* It seems hard to guess if the thing is ‘male’ or ‘female’. I have to associate the things with masculine/feminine characteristics to help me remember which one to use. The other dictionary is a visual dictionary from Suria Sabah’s Times Bookstore. That’s self-explanatory, I guess. ;P

These are from the visual dictionary. Apparently some countries use le, some use la… The other pic… I was reminded of Jacques Clouseau (Pink Panther)’s “hamburger” blunders. Haha...

“What Your Teacher Didn’t Tell You (Vol. 1)”… That was a randomly-picked book. Like Eragon (I haven’t even read Eragon yet!). How can you resist a book with that title? It’s thought-provoking! What my teacher didn’t tell me? What should I know that ‘they’ don’t want ‘us’ to know? (The author, Farish A. Noor, is described as “Malaysia’s hippest intellectual” at the back cover.)

Actually, it looks like a history-ish book to me… but oh well. I’ll risk that. It might turn out good.

The other colourful-covered book is Diana Wynne Jones’ latest book, “Enchanted Glass”! I can’t find that book in Sabah, you know… I asked my mum to buy it for me (as gift! Haha..) when she went to KL for meetings (again) few days ago. It’s still wrapped in plastic… don’t feel like opening it yet. The first thing I thought of as I read the synopsis at the back is “House of Many Ways” (“Howl’s Moving Castle” 2nd sequel). Hmmm. Anyway… I’m saving this for a bad day. Yeah. You read it right. Bad day. A good book is the perfect pick-me-up on bad days.

Nah. I would never never never ever put my full name here. As tempting as it is, I just couldn't bring myself to do that. The burden to not be able to blog my thoughts the way I like is too much. When people I know can easily google my name and find that I have been blogging (or had blogged) about them it could be awkward when I meet them again. It's okay if I'm close friends with this person but if he/she's someone I'm not too close to... Ha!

... erm... Actually.. I didn't think of it this far so I don't know what will happen. (But surely it would start with embarrassment!).. I guess I'm not ready for that yet.

The name I put on Twitter is close enough though...

I have a very unique name. So I'm happy to have it all by myself. It's long but I'm proud of it. It surprised me when I got some search results on the last part of my name. Apparently, there's also someone named V-- in Indonesia! So much for a unique name, huh...

Anyway... This post is about the origin of my name, so let's get back to business.

Before I was born, my parents thought I'm going to be a boy so they wanted to name me "Mats Wilander" (Haha.. To my friends that know my full name : It [kind of] has the same rhyme, isn't?) after the famous Tennis player in the 80s. But I arrived as a girl.. Haha. It's amazing how my parents get to think of my 'girl' name in short time notice. When I was in primary school, I always separated my name Ruth V-- when I wrote my name. I realised that I had it all wrong when I started Secondary school (in Form 1). Lol.

Oh yeah. Sometimes people made fun of my name because it rhymes with Belanda (malay for Dutch). It used to bug me in Primary school... hehe. But that was over 10 years ago.

Now I'm just proud of my name.

There's a 'right' way to pronounce it (by my standards of course, duh) so I always take notice of people who pronounces my name accurately. At times, I think my long and unusual name made people easily remember my name. *smiles sheepishly* My French language lecturer is one of those who pronounce it accurately, with a bit French flavour to it! She even said it sounded like a Roman or Dutch(or was it Italian?) name. Made me smile.

:)

Nothing much to talk about today but…

My father already made a call and received another positive response but this time he made a note of the name of the person’s he’s talking to. My mum suspected that last night (the one that said only chinese trainees can have the holidays) was someone who didn’t know much (a guard, perhaps?). What he said was upsetting…   but I think this is an isolated case. It doesn’t (hopefully) fully reflect the situation in every camp all over the country. 

Leaving that aside… Today, I had the chance to talk to my sister on the phone (she usually talked to my parents) and she was crying. “Saya mau balik…” (I want to return [home] ) she kept saying. I didn’t know what to response to that and just asked if something (big) had happened. She was talking while crying so I couldn’t really get what she said. My mum later said I should’ve say “Just cry. You’ll feel better.” But, you know… Our relationship (sis & I) isn’t like that. Saying mushy stuff isn’t our style.

The whole thing reminded me of myself back then during university orientation. I was thinking “I must had sounded like this on the phone” …& dad just listened to me. I was feeling mostly uncertain and insecure. Dad said a short prayer on the phone [aww..dad. You’re always like this =) ]. I’ve always doubt them (actually I do this to everyone, this is a side of me you might never notice), but there are times that I just have to believe and in the end they make it done almost perfectly. I don’t think they are indulging parents. We don’t always get what we want. They will question us and make considerations before getting us something we want or allow us to do something. Of course. Their judgments aren’t always right either (I think so). But before I refute their statements, I try to consider them from their point of view. I always end up fighting with my mum because of that.. neither of us want to agree to disagree. Haha. I don’t know why making my point or voicing my opinions means so much to me.

Anyway. The situation now gives me a different angle to view things. The old me (My prime rebellious period: 10-14 years old) would have envy thoughts… but now I just see how attentive and caring my parents are towards my sister. It was really touching & I always feel like crying whenever they talk to my sister on the phone (or after that).

It also shows that I really had become more over-emotional after my cousin’s wedding.

Oh, no! Do I have to cry at my wedding like this too?

[A]

[B]

[C]

[L]

• fluent in Malay and English languages (we learn British English in school so you'll see more of that here... although sometimes there might be American English mixed in because I read/watch stuff from there)
• able to understand Dusun (my own ethnic's language)... couldn't speak much/doesn't have confidence to speak :P *or it's just me making up excuses lol* 
• able to understand conversational and read Chinese mandarin (thanks to being in Alec Su fandom <3), there are characters I still don't know how to read, but apparently it was enough for me to understand Qiong Yao's novel "Huan Zhu Ge Ge" (Part 3) novels (I cried buckets!)  ... not so confident in speaking in Chinese though.
• able to understand conversational Cantonese (grew up watching east-asian drama series esp Cantonese ones on TV)
• took French language courses in University. Very rusty now :P...but I decided to continue learning by myself.
• currently self-learning Japanese language (Arashi effects <3), able to read easy sentences (struggling with kanji characters though. I'm glad that I know some chinese characters beforehand).. & able to understand simple conversations [on Arashi's variety shows] though my vocabulary is still lacking.

[M]

[O]

[P]

[R]

[S]

[T]

I started keeping a diary since 1998. I was 10 years old.

At that time, I used the organizer book given (or bought? I don’t know) by AIA as my diary (now I prefer thick, without-dates journal). I didn’t always fill it in, not everyday. Mostly I wrote about the chinese serial dramas I was watching on TV. It was kind of a collection of short reviews (on dramas)… With my opinions on certain scenes. Looking back at it now, I can hardly call it a diary but there you have it. I did write about things that made me mad which usually involved my family members and sometimes friends at school, but only a few…

I became serious at writing my diary two years later. I don’t remember when it started. The entries were mostly negative things (I still wrote about serial dramas on TV)… I thought of it as  a way to ‘put down’ those frustrations and annoyance at school somewhere. It didn’t help to dispel my anger but it sure was a relief to let it out. I also started writing those entries in English. Broken English at first… haha. Wrong choice of words and wrong tenses, all that problems but I kept writing in English. I think it did helped improved my English essays, or if not… at least the experience gave me more confidence to write English essays.

At some point, I didn’t care if someone read my diaries… I mean, it’s personal… but sometimes I wished someone read it so that they’ll understand me better. I do worry though, if the people mentioned in it read it. ;P

Hmm.. Maybe that’s why started blogging. But I don’t blog the way I write into my diary. I am very, very biased in my diary. I don’t exactly have to be right but anybody else can’t defy me. It’s like that. I only want the Diary to ‘listen’.

I didn’t stick to it faithfully… I even skipped some years, which is too bad in my opinion. Bad because I won’t have the “complete” edition when I lose my memory. Lol. One weird reason why I insist on keeping a diary is to assist me when I unexpectedly have amnesia (I thought of this BEFORE watching “Samantha Who?”) due to yet-to-be-known accidents in the future. Not that I’m asking for an amnesia (or want it…).. duh. Nothing wrong with getting ready, right? Anyway, if it does happen… I thought my past diaries will help me remember or help me “get to know” myself again.

Since I started studying in university, I seldom write into my diary anymore. Recalling the “memory loss” reason now, I think I really should get back to daily diary writing.

Here are some quotes I found from books, TV shows & songs that remind me of myself. 
Only four for now….

Sense and Sensibility, Chapter 23 (Jane Austen) 

She was stronger alone, and her own good sense so well supported her, that her firmness was as unshaken, her appearance of cheerfulness as invariable, as, with regrets so poignant and so fresh, it was possible for them to be.

During my black years (f4,f5), I always thought the same like Elinor. I thought I can deal with the stress of SPM alone. Besides, I believed no one can help me because it's such a small matter (I can imagine them saying, "Everyone has it..."). But I was wrong.

Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 36 (Jane Austen)

"How despicably have I acted!" she cried. "I, who have prided myself on my own discernment! I, who have valued myself on my abilities! who have often disdained the generous candour of my sister, and gratified my vanity in useless or blamable distrust. How humiliating is this discovery!..." - Elizabeth

My reaction towards myself when I discover how flawed my own character (in form 6 till recently) were just like Elizabeth's. Although I wasn't dealing with love matters, to know that I'm wrong and gets wronger and wronger day by day was a horrible feeling. I'm so ashamed of myself that I don't know how to make amends to the blemishes in my way of thinking. Now, I'm taking baby steps to re-build my character and improve my mind.

House M.D. (Season 2, Episode 11)

“You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got, so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.” – Dr Wilson

Wilson added “Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.” after that. I was thinking recently… being happy can make me miserable too. (This is un-related to the after quote). Because happiness is not permanent and it’s a “luxury”/expensive to get. *smiles meekly* I don’t know since when I seem so unsure of happiness… I know it happens but it’s not something you should expect to happen for the rest of your life. That’s what I think, for now. Happiness is like some kind of accident or on-the-spot occurrence and not a way of life. (Just a thought. Might change my mind later)

“Believe in Me” song by Demi Lovato
(Listen?)

I'm losing myself,  Trying to compete,  With everyone else,  Instead of just being me.

Don't know where to turn,  I've been stuck in this routine,  I need to change my ways, Instead of always being weak.

…….
It's amazing what you can hide,
Just by putting on a smile.

I love listening to her songs since last year. Some of the lyrics of her songs described the “me” in the past. Particularly this song. While there’s two parts to the song (I didn’t get to do that “Now I believe in me” part), the beginning was enough to describe my SPM years. The teachers said the competitions were high in my class - I only realised it was a meaningless competition after SPM. – I mean… what competition? To get No. 1 in class? To get the biggest amount of A’s in SPM? Then what? How could someone else getting straight A’s affect my life? Yeah, okay, it can happen in some way (less chance to win scholarship etc)… but when you see how much life can offer you (other fields, interests, areas, skills etc), it suddenly doesn’t matter that much (as before).

A smile doesn’t always mean that the person is feeling fine or having a nice day. It’s quite easy to smile when you’re in trouble and don’t want other people to know.

It still surprises me how I sometimes managed to do that.

Before "I turned 21" this year, I was 12 once…

& then there’s one random note, which is true!  I was lucky to know them!

I didn’t smile much when I was little too which is evident from these photos…

Okay, last one… the weird ones.
Joel’s message wasn’t ‘original’. I suspect he’s writing the monkey-kangaroo-zoo birthday song. Dianne wrote me a “Happy New Year” message (that’s 3 months away!).

Can you guess which birthday wish is my favourite?
(Favourite as in I-can’t-believe-that-person-wrote-that! & no it’s not E.E.’s)
=P