Regarding Monday's story, I was just going to mention about my personality type, which is INTP... maa.. 

On Wednesday (March 13th), I had a group discussion at my school's foyer. The assignment involved programming using Prolog... which we aren't too familiar with (but is fun to play around with after you know the basics). Well, while discussing, sometimes our fellow coursemates came & gave out some not-so-helpful :P comments. Two seniors in particular were like this: "Don't ask us, we only learnt about theory [during our time].." This was perfectly understandable. Anyway, the comments that bothered me came from a someone (from the same batch with me & already graduated) were...

"What? You're doing programming using this ancient language?"

And then this same person suggested that we ask S-san ("His programming skill is good, he must know something") for help. An hour later, S-san, who was going to have lunch (if I remember correctly) saw us.. & sat with us. We asked him if he knew about Prolog & his answer was, "No." I was a bit disappointed but I did expect something like that. 

Erm... programming isn't really my favourite..uh.. activity but hearing him say "ancient" made me feel sad. It was like when あくま said half-jokingly, "We don't need artists anymore because computers can make realistic paintings". Actually, it felt like my heart died a little (exaggerating much XD)... I was thinking... ah.. this is the kind of person who's pursuing postgraduate studies now *sarcastic*. 

I don't see the need to call it ancient. Newer doesn't mean it would be better...

Actually.. it annoyed me. I was expecting a more passionate [with his field] kind of post-graduate student. Such comments gave a gist to his way of thinking. It's not pretty.

Hah... Maybe I'm being jealous. It was like seeing two students practising their japanese language aural exam. I didn't have the chance to join the classes. They'd studied so long but they still couldn't pronounce things correctly. I take pride in my way of thinking. It was irritating to see someone like that already graduated... & me still stuck (lol). Maa maa... It's my own fault for being lazy really XD

Speaking of being an INTP, it's a pity that I'm not into programming... because when I get obsessed with something, it can be frightening. 

There is something that has been bothering me since Wednesday.

But before that, I'll talk about Monday first.

Once again, on that day, あくま held another motivation erm.. event which included meeting the parents (YES.. & it started since previous semester!) for this semester. I was very guai before, I attended two of them. The second time was a disaster... to me & my emotions. I promised myself that I WILL NOT attend for this semester, no matter what they say because the last person I want to meet to discuss my academic problems would be the head program himself! Call me petty if you want to... I'm still very much hurt by his "act of incompetence" last semester.     

Anyway, so I refused to go. I blocked calls from the person-in-charge. They sent me an invitation letter (handed to me by a friend). During a class, the lecturer in charge asked for me (& two others) to inform about this event. She asked me straight out if I'm going to attend then I answered "No" & it ended there... just like that. I actually had my own list of reasons why I refuse to go (which included "You are not the right person I need to solve my problems -- I need professionals' help -- NOT you."), but I'm satisfied with that ending. 

Moving on... through eavesdropping (lol) & asking some of my friends who attended, it seemed like they had a greater time this time around - which is well, good, of course. Those lucky people didn't attend the somber version, so yeah..  lucky them. But I don't envy them... & I don't feel left out.. my decision of not going is beneficial for my mental health. In case you're wondering, I already met my mentor to discuss about my academic problems & plans in week one (day 2 to be precise, I couldn't find her on day 1) - I'm way ahead them thank you very much. 

Okay.. back to the topic. During the event, they did the Myers-Briggs personality test - I was shocked!!! I've been obsessing over my personality type since last semester.. which explains so many things about my problems *it's a long story//sigh*...  Actually I began to suspect if any of the lecturers have discovered my blog.. or my very public twitter account (conspiracy theorist in action)... haha.. but I ended up thinking that it's just a coincidence; maybe the lecturer is familiar with this personality test during her study in USA(?)..

to be continued...

The previous week was the final week for this semester.

I was reluctant to attend the last class I had for that week. Was hoping that the lecturer will go with what she said a week before... 

*sigh* I went anyway... But it wasn't a normal lecture. She just informed us about our informal final exam (which was yesterday)... & shared some wisdom regarding the recent viva presentation. まあ。My DoS side made a brief appearance. She commented that the current batch was far more worse than the previous one (my batch). I didn't see the whole thing so I can't really form a general opinion... but if she say so, I'll take her word for it. 

いや。 Really. I'm glad that I went to see the viva presentation. I think... seeing the lecturers I had problem with before act professionally during viva had changed the way I see them. Just a bit I think... (I still can't accept their attitude). I was thinking, "They can act unbiased too huh." I hope that didn't sound worse than the way I meant it XD... I guess..it's understandable for them to have those prejudices (btw I really wish that they try not to think too much about them...)... when the quality of the students is just that. 

Back to class... she even gave some reviews which I think is useful for those who didn't do well for their Project I/viva. I wonder if the others were listening though... the lecturer is well known for her spicy comments during viva (thanks to stories told by students from the same batch with me)... so it could be possible that those juniors will just ignore what she said... Actually, I suspect that the horror stories were exaggerated. The two so-called infamous lecturers that will shoot you with deadly questions during viva DO know what they're asking. Of course, they'll be skeptical at times but isn't that the purpose of doing the viva? A chance to defend your research? 

Sometimes, I'm afraid that those viva stories will create misunderstandings... What if.. what if the comments given by the lecturers might had been helpful for them but because they "know" it's all just critics, they just disregard the comments?

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Addendum
16/Jan/2020
After 7 years staying as a draft post, this post is finally published today (backdated). As I mentioned last month, I probably planned to add something in the end  of the post but forgot to do so... The content isn't relevant to current day  me anymore...("My 'black years' phase never ended") but since it's part of my life experience, I decided to publish it anyway. To my old self: F.

Attended the viva presentation (for my program) yesterday... & also the day before. But I missed the morning sessions because I woke up late XD

I attended once before. It was during my batch's viva... Didn't go to the 2nd (Project II) one but I've heard horror stories about it. If I really have no idea on how to write a research paper, I would be very, very, very scared by now. *sigh*

The second day was scarier. The problems were still the same (it really doesn't matter if the head program doesn't know much math) as before, lack of researcher's skills... erm... things like that. To be honest, I find that the comments given by the lecturers (including those I have issues with lol) were potentially very helpful - should be helpful for them in their research but alas... some of them didn't even understand what they did wrong (they were clueless when asked if they understand what the lecturers just told them). Of course, the way they express their comments wasn't always very nice... so it might be hard to listen to them... but their suggestions were helpful, especially for a screwed up thesis paper.

I know that I will face the same thing next semester, but... あの日、ドSになっちゃった。I'm not even sorry for making that my initial reason of attending (I learnt a lot though in the end so I was glad I went... *hopefully I'll remember them*)... but seeing overconfident 後輩たち crumbled (esp those who I find rude before) was such a pleasure (言っちゃった!). Yes, I'm saying this so carelessly without any guarantee that the same thing will happen to me. Maa... if I screwed up, it would be a nice story to blog about anyway...

Oh yeah. One thing that really caught my attention was the strictness of which language is allowed for them to use for their thesis. At the beginning of the semester, I saw some of the permission (to write their thesis paper in english) form sent (by juniors) at the general office & wondered if they are up to it. During the viva presentation, some students were asked about their MUET band (I was surprised because I thought they got higher *overthinking*) & the head program passed his judgement like "You do in Malay!" (even though that person did it in English) in the end.. I actually thought あくま looked so cool doing that!!!

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楽しかったです～

Arashi's "truth". I always listen to this when I'm angry.
Edited 7 years later. Music video from Arashi's own youtube channel!

Current mood: Bitchy.

Yesterday, while I was busy with the processes (had to go to many places to get the form signed) of renewing my matric card (3 words: Expired. Extension. Important.), I received a text message from my friend about DrA (gosh Mel! I'm so tempted to use the nickname あくま for him *such a perfect initial*). I had given him my form (I want to take another subject this semester but I'm one credit hour over the allowed amount *15*) the day before. Written comment(s) must be attached to the form before the dean can sign it. He knew that all along... & yet he didn't inform me earlier... *annoyed* *あくま！*... Anyway.. he had problems with the subjects I plan to take this semester (all 3rd year subjects).. he suggested that I switch programmes (I'd thought of this before) & I explained I don't want to because I couldn't stand going through another 3 years (AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO/CAN USE THE DEGREE TO GET THE JOB I WANT LATER *arrogant*). Then he further suggested I change - re-take some 2nd year subjects - because all the 3rd year subjects are killer subjects. HUH? You think I'm not aware of that?? ...to be honest, to me, all of them are killer subjects because I hate what I'm studying now! I didn't get it why he was so against the subjects I decided to take this semester! Maa... I can understand if it involved the subjects he teach, I can TOTALLY UNDERSTAND if he doesn't allow me to take them... but it really baffled me. I thought "What the heck was going on?" while I was holding back my tears... 

While he was typing out the official memo (the "comments" needed), I couldn't hold them anymore. Amidst my tears-shedding moment, something he said caught my attention. He was saying something like how could he allow I take those subjects when I failed four subjects... blah blah blah... Then I realised that he was referring to my old results (actually I already barely passed three of them!!). WTH? 1&*^$*@83!!!!!!!!!

To make the story short, for this semester I'm not going take his bloody class. I'm allowed to take the other subject (in which he's in charge of the lab tutorial session) if only I will report to him about my progress (& if it's bad, I have to withdraw from taking the subject).

Life is complicated. 

Anyway, I cried because I couldn't accept the way he was treating me. Yeah, I know, I REALLY KNOW & AWARE that my results aren't good (but that was mostly because I didn't care to study *so bad!*) but I'm not stupid! My ego just can't handle that treatment... I know that I'm good at a lot of things [I like]... he sounds like he's assuming that I'm bad at that. Among the things he asked me was if I finished taking my language classes... WHAT language class? I already got that over with many semesters ago... so obviously he thought I'm taking the 5-semester English class!!!! WHAT???? I know my english level isn't the best, but I dare say mine is better than his! There, I said it! *Arrogance=MAX*... Of course he speaks in english with confidence but he's always committing grammar mistakes *says the grammar enthusiast in me* HUH! 

At this moment, I'm so/still bitchy & bitter about the whole thing that I can't find a place in my heart to respect him anymore. I plan to ignore him for the rest of my life. Expect bad behaviour from me whenever we meet!

Blog meme from here.

Saturday  9: Ain't Too Proud to Beg

1. What was the last thing that you begged for? 

I'll be honest : it's money. Selfish reasons. ...and I won't say what it was for here because it might jinx my chances of getting it :P 

2. Have you ever lost a best friend after a fight? 

Ah... I did... I think I did. Shame on me... can't really remember when & who though. But I re-connected with one of them when I started secondary school. (^_^)V

3. When was the last time you just wanted to be invisible? 

Two semesters ago was the time I realised I'm not interested with what I'm studying now. That realization affected my studies quite a lot. I wasn't motivated in doing assignments, homework & midterm/final exam papers. So it wasn't really a surprise when I screwed up a group assignment for my Virtual Reality class. I really wanted to be invisible on the presentation day. I created my group's poster (on what we created) in a wrong way/format & the whole project wasn't done according to what the lecturer asked for (actually I didn't know it was supposed to be in such a way). I told my partner what I did wrong & somewhat we (or I?) ended up telling my lecturer the truth. We were asked to present anyway. I didn't realised that my partner went missing during preparation. Ah.. I think I had mix reactions at that moment. My partner didn't answer the phone when I called her. I almost wanted to cry when my other classmates gave their moral support. Was thinking something like "Is this situation this bad already?" I actually thought of running away too XD

Wow. I didn't think this answer will be long lol..

4. Which room of your home tends to be the messiest? 

Ah... my room? It's hard not to notice because I spend most of my time in my room XD

5. You are to be locked in a room forever with a celebrity. You get to choose. Who do you pick? 

Arashi! Better yet...Ohno Satoshi! Hope he didn't learn much about pick-locking for his dorama XD

6. Has someone ever left another person to be with you? 

No.

7. What’s been kind of a drag for you lately? 

Programming assignments.

8. How are you different from your (current or most recent) significant other? 

Can't provide answer. Not applicable. XD

9. What is the most perverted thing someone has ever said to you?

I don't remember.

Yesterday was a great day.

Had midterm exam for Differential Equations in the afternoon... was dying to check Twitter about KagiHeya's press conference. 

I might sound like a really bad student, but for the first time, I get to answer all questions for a midterm exam...  haha.. ...oh well, though I wasn't sure for one question (completely forgotten my notes :P)...

...and then suddenly there's an announcement of a replacement class for Friday to be held shortly after the midterm exam ended. At first I decided not to go - I even made promises to myself  that I will study harder for that class later - ... & before I knew it, I already sat in the lecture room XD. Man.. I'm so random. I don't even listen to myself anymore. Apparently, my practical subconscious mind has been busy lately huh.

Though...I sure am glad I attended the class. The lecturer was so busy, he only stopped for a while to give us tips on the upcoming midterm exam. Lucky~

While waiting for the lecturer to come, I checked on Twitter ...& was pleasantly surprised to read that "Face Down" is used as Ohno's dorama's theme song. (^^)V


Oh, happy day~

a continuation to previous post...

Day 5（月） - Started thinking how much I hate programming... "I really don't get this."

Day 6（火） - Class started late in the afternoon. Thought more of how I hate programming again... & I think Dr A hates me for not completing last night's assignment (which of course I did realised how stupid of me for not following my usual routine *rebellious*). Though... this felt like Miss Biol all over again. What's with me wanting to be approved by teachers/lecturers who are hard to please, huh? I hate to think that I'm this ドM.. Really... Maybe stoic is a better choice of word. No. Not anymore. Went on this road once before & the result was devastating. I shouldn't care what they think of me. I know what's my best way to learn things & I'm going to stick to that method from now on.

Day 7（水） - Still quite rebellious about doing assignment... nonetheless, I followed my routine. That didn't mean I could run the program smoothly though. Feeling a bit insipid & depressed during class... to the point where I started thinking whether studying something I've fell out of love with in my current university is a good decision or not. Since a year ago, I've thought so many times already in class about how I shouldn't be in that class. It was hard to follow what the lecturer say - partly because I didn't do some reading before class - but most often because I feel like I can just open a book and read at home without attending the class. I really hope the university rule for 100% attendance every semester is changed :/

Day 8-9 （木・金）

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I happened to read that Plato's quote in my Twitter timeline hours ago. It sounded so meaningful today. I wonder why... 

Maybe.. because lately, I've started noticing things from the way people treat & talk to me. I kept thinking "You really don't know me *smug smile*" or "You don't know what I'm capable of".. things like that, & I realised I could also be in the same position with them. Yes.. I can assume their character all I want according to my logics, feelings & sentiments toward someone, but I could still be wrong about them. Even if the person is someone who is [very] close to me. The reason is simple - we are not the same person. Of course I know most people are smart enough to know this is true (me included) but sometimes we forget about this. That someone whose character is considered generally unpleasant by the society might have his/her own problems that not everyone could relate to which made them what they are today.

...

Sigh. This is one of the things I never thought of doing this year - re-connecting with myself and Conscience. It's a good thing really... because I've started to love myself again and be more accepting regarding my talents and failures.

I'm in a somewhat intensive programming class which helps prepare for a course I'm taking next semester. It's not even a sure thing yet if I could continue next semester :/... which made me feel worried in the beginning (oh. and I joined them a week late :P)... but in the end I just, well, put up with all the embarrassment (for what? is kind of complicated :P) I felt for myself & be in a "thick-skinned" mode to survive this. This week's class ended predictably with another group assignment.

Day 1（火） - Kind of worried about going to class. My friend (a coursemate in the same batch with me) was late. In class, while others are busy writing codes, I was taking my own sweet time installing the needed software :P...

Day 2（水） - Was in a situation similar to Nodame's Music History (or Appreciation?) class in the Paris SP. Clueless as to what should be done & what I did wrong (which was because of a mere semi-colon missing *huh*). If I care very much, I think I would be crying depressingly already.

Day 3（木）- Class started late in the afternoon. Made use of the extra time to complete yesterday's assignment... which was kind of fun once you figured out how to use the codes. I think Dr A kind of doubt I created it myself (I did expect this to happen though) but not really in a bad way... He was saying things like, "See...You can do it if you just work a little harder..." .. though what came to mind when I heard this was if he knew that I'm really a lazy, procrastinating person.. honestly, I felt caught red-handed :D. He even said "...You have to graduate this year!" I laughed inside because that would definitely not be this year... unless he meant something else? (like I didn't reach the 2.0 mark...? 怖いな.... )

Day 4（金）- Good day. I didn't miss much... but I'm kind of out of focus all day because I lacked sleep the days before. 

These days were... what was it.. I felt like I'm being tested, you know... whether I should be allowed to continue my studies or not... because Dr A is our new head programme... & he already knows about our exam results..

Maybe I'm being oversensitive...

Anyway... I'm just figuring this out quite slowly - this programming stuff - I catch up with things eventually though it's a bit slower.. BUT I really, really intend to learn this properly... & because I know I learn things this way better, it has to be according to my own pace.. so I shouldn't feel left behind if I just understood yesterday's lesson today.

Though it might be kind of sad to hear that I'm being quite optimistic (or maybe extra positive pessimistic) now because I have really high hopes for a new dorama with Ohno next season (rumoured to be a Mon9 or Tues9 dorama *good timeslots IMO*:D) . Hehe. 

I'm not changed at all. 

Still an Ohno & Arashi fan.

<3