Tumblr post of the day:
Sigh.

It's the first day of December 2019. So, hello.. December...? After cleaning up the photobucket mess on this blog, I got somewhat motivated to start blogging again. I want to revive this blog... probably - I say PROBABLY - will attempt to blog everyday for this final month of year 2019.

I'm going to start with this:

5 New..ish(?) Things I Found Out About Myself Recently. 
Yeah. Maybe new or new-ish? I guess I'm finally acknowledging them in a post..? Also some might be related to each other.

(1) I have a dark side. - Kind of realised this when I was working with a private company (2017-18) in a.. very highly toxic work environment. Maybe it was my defence mechanism at work but oh boy I'm still left wondering "What was that?" after I quit. It doesn't help that I'm still hurting inside now, which encourages that dark side to come out at times.

(2) I'm not a fan of hand-shaking. - Simple. I got sick several times after shaking someone's hand. I know it doesn't always start from there but urghh I just can't stand it. I'll have my hand sanitiser ready for any occasions that needs that. Bonus: People coughing behind me or sneezing nearby is one of my current pet peeves.

(3) I'm probably a Machiavellian. - Also something I realised when I was working. This might belong under (1).. but I had tried to manipulate some situations (like intentionally spreading my thoughts to well-known office gossipers). *sigh* I might had also played devil's advocate to certain people with intentions of getting a better work environment (it didn't happen, but last time I heard, one of my senpai who got bullied often because she's a total pushover managed to leave that place). I believe that I did all that with good intentions and for self-protection in a toxic environment (it was truly something like "kill or be killed" situation).

Please don't enquire more about this. I'm not ready to tell.

(4) My "black years" phase never ended. - It happened again when I was in the university. Which might have played a part in my dropping out of university. I tried seeking out help from the uni's student counselling office. I mentioned that I might have depression but the idea was instantly dismissed because, in her own words, "You will need to take medication if it's depression."  ┐(´д`)┌  Anyway. It resurfaced after I quit my job last year. Honestly, I feel like I'm half dead since then.

(5) I've thought of death in a way I never do in the past. - Yep. It was when I was working in a... *I'm tired of repeating it at this point but here goes...* toxic environment. You can expect some kind of negative drama every week at my old place of work.. it could be a blaming game and then a backstabbing game next week. It didn't take long for me to see that my job there was a position very looked-down upon and highly bullyable by other workers. It was a really frustrating time and at times I had thought that dying would be easier. I think that was the first time I had such mild suicidal thoughts.

Okay, let me just get this straight here. I don't have those thoughts NOW after I quit but I have my morbid, negative moments. Yeah.. erm I don't really know how this works but I have something inside me that tells me not to do it. It's not worth it. Honestly, I think I'm in some kind of depression limbo throughout this year so I can't offer any assuring words but I want to believe that I'm healing inside.



So.. sorry for that gloomy stuff in the end.

This is me at the start of December 2019.

宜しくお願いします<(_  _)>