I was thinking about reading slumps again. When I get into one, I can find all kinds of way to avoid reading a book. I might bring the book anywhere with me but I probably will never open it. It's very easy to just... not read and I'm so scared that will happen to me again now. 

Sigh.
Where do I begin?

Honestly, been feeling & recalling... negative stuff lately...

I suddenly recall some particular occurrence in university. I remember feeling down for some time and then next week I was happy(?), full of hopes "I feel good! I can do this!"... then.. got back to feeling down days after that. At first, I thought "oh so I'm not that depressed then"... but... deep inside I know what I was going through wasn't normal. It didn't help that googling the symptoms brought me to the idea of bipolar disorder... hah! As if!....

...but...what if...

*silence*


Yeah.. so I recalled about that thing.. and another thing from primary school days. I... well.. how do I say this... in my mind, I see it as "I was bullied" but it was more like I got pushed into doing things I didn't want to...? I used to be that kid that couldn't say no & probably came across as a pushover to some people.. It was only in secondary school that I became braver at saying no. But not all the time. Even now... if I could avoid saying no, I will try to anticipate if I might fall into such events and act accordingly (might even involve manipulation)... in short, the current me is sensitive to hints of bullying/taking advantage of me...

...so it's probably obvious at this part.. Yes. My mind is going all directions and I'm talking gibberish... just hoping that putting these stuff down here help these rushing thoughts slow down..


Another thing... recently, I'm worried of getting bored easily. I don't care if I'm boring to others (har-har).. not that.. I'm worried that when I do something I enjoy, I would lose interest in it soon. This worry is real and I feel stressed over this more than I should..

p/s:...Having thoughts of switching to another programme again. It disgusts me the way a lecturer behaves so unprofessionally by accusing someone of plagiarism (she has no proof of it) and spreading it around as if it's true. Honestly, I like her teaching style, but like あくま, she is just another lecturer with superiority complex!

-----Posted via Blogaway

*Inspired by “Arashi no Shukudai-kun”

Big Goal for 2011 : Be more efficient at identifying problems and solving them.

Small Goal for 2011 : Art. Draw and paint something again.

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There were two boys, A and B, who always went to school together everyday. One day, B was caught cheating in a test. A knew about it and told the teacher. B was then punished.

Moral Education question : “Which sentence in the paragraph shows that A and B are best friends?”

Student’s answer : “-- A knew about it and told the teacher. -- because A cared for his best friend, that’s why he told their teacher.”

Answer in marking scheme paper : “-- There were two boys, A and B, who always went to school together everyday. –”

=====

I don’t know from which SPM year that question was from (but maybe it’s a question from school level exam?). I’m not even sure if it really exists or not.

This was the only thing the lecturer talked about that kept me awake for awhile during Linear Algebra class today. Sigh. Why do I have to be sleepy on my favourite day & during my favourite class?

Haha. Anyway… I don’t really remember how the discussion on “Linear Independence” theorems turned into issues about current education system in Malaysia… but that Moral Education question brought back some memories from the past.

I used to think – I even stole my study time just to think about it– about the flaws in the current education system. The fact that one can just memorise to get good grades/marks frustrates me. Part of it is personal. I am not someone who could memorise things easily… but that’s not because I have poor memory. I just don’t believe in it. I don’t believe that someone can be knowledgeable and possess wisdom just by memorising. It’s a bit insulting to the beauty of knowledge, don’t you think?

I used to think of it in black and white back then (form 4 & 5, 5-6 yrs ago)… now? Not so much (tiring!). I try to assure myself that everyone is unique thus they have their own unique ways of teaching themselves. Instead, most of the time, I try to comfort myself that I am me, their unique ways don’t work for me & I don’t have to worry if I learn from a different route. And it’s not easy. It’s still hard now because I keep seeing how my methods don’t give out results as good as those “gifted-in-memorising” students.

But just when I start feeling doubtful, my lecturers gave out their opinions on the education system which were similar to mine at random occasions during classes. I was awaken and reminded again of what I believe in. [Yappari. Getting into a university is a good thing. ^_^]  Few weeks ago, in French class, my lecturer (a foreigner) talked about how the teachers in her son’s school expect her to send her son to tuition centres (or get a tuition teacher for him). She doesn’t want to do that. And then, there was a heated discussion between her and one of my coursemates (I can see that he is one of them), no shouting was involved but it got me excited… like today. It felt different [good kind of different] hearing those opinions from someone who has different cultural background and different teaching experiences. Somewhat it makes me think “There’s still hope.”

 

Whoa. Didn’t expect this post to be this long. I’ll stop here… I don’t know if my points came across clearly but to get this thoughts out here again like old times.. Ah. Good times, good times.

"...harassment is a power issue. And power is neither male or female. Whoever is behind the desk has the opportunity to abuse power. A women will take advantage as often as men."

"The fact is, there's a category of behaviour that no one condones anymore. The supervisor who grabs genitals, who squeezes breasts in the elevator, who invites an assistant on a business trip but books only one hotel room. All that is ancient history. If you have an employee behaving like that, whether that employee is male of female, gay or straight, you are obliged to stop it."

"But I beat you fair and square, Tom. I don't deserve this. I've been screwed by the damned system."

"No you haven't. You've been fucking your assistants for years. You've been taking every advantage of your position that you could. You've been living on image and every third word out of your mouth is a lie. Now you're feeling sorry for yourself. You think the system is what's wrong. But you know what, Meredith? The system didn't screw you. The system revealed you, and dumped you out. Because when you get right down to it, you're completely full of shit."

Sigh. Another exam paper tomorrow... & I don't feel like studying("cramming") anymore.

UPU results are out and my sister's... Not good. After piano class today, my parents had started talking about Form 6 for her. Curtin's foundation is just too.. pricey. Kinda hard to imagine my sister being in Form 6 though.

I love my Form 6 years. They seem to make up for what I'd missed in Form 4 & 5 (my black years)... F6 : happy moments. Not-so-happy moments. I remember some.. forgotten some already. But one thing that's keep getting back to me (even now) - my efforts. My almost non-existent efforts.

After I received my SPM result, I rejected every offer I got because I wanted to be in F6 so badly. So, so, so badly. Then I was happy when I finally got into a school that accepted my SPM result.... But in the end, my STPM results (plural, b'cos I took twice).. were also SO bad. What a shame.

Anyway. Have you ever heard about "Deep Procrastination"? I just read about this article today and I realize it's that kind of procrastination that I had in Form 6... and still have now. Bleh. Not that labeling the problem helps me to solve it. But that's the first important step I guess. This part rang true for me :

A student suffering from deep procrastination will delay important work to an excessive degree. He won’t start studying until late the night before or will delay paper writing until the sun is about the rise. After a while, he might begin to chronically miss deadlines, and find himself constantly negotiating with professors about extensions. (Source : Study Hacks)

I realized how serious this was when I was doing Ethics assignment last semester. And also for this semester (2nd), almost for all assignments... particularly Language and Communication's. I was aware of the datelines and all, but I couldn't make myself do anything to complete those assignments. Sometimes it seems like I don't care about them at all.

...
Break's over. Must find more info on this deep procrastination issue...

Feeling much like I was in Form 4/5 since yesterday.

Alone on this road to nowhere. No one to tell me what to do. No one to tell me which way to go.

Oh.. right. Why do they even want to care? Why do they even need to care?


The last time I felt this way was in 2005 and early 2006. Now they are coming back to haunt me.

Just last night, I cried to Switchfoot's "Twenty-Four" song to sleep. You know, those out-of-blue kind of tears... It's not even because of how I did my exam yesterday. Just that... I suddenly realised that it's not completely over. Those feelings that I desperately want to forget and conceal with other so-called positive things still exist. They didn't appear (during f6) because I made sure of myself to not go down the road again, avoiding things that could trigger those emotions, including [maybe], putting efforts in studying. I don't know. This past could have been holding me back now.

All those good things could merely have been illusions. Or beautiful distractions. Or really just temporary, meaningless things.


Come and go...
So... nothing.




I can't believe that this is happening again.



*Nags are the last thing I need right now. Shutting myself off.*

Can you smell that freedom in the air?

No more assignments, no more classes... just those upcoming exam papers left.


I can't wait for Semester 2 to end!



March was a stressful month. March 2010 = Music theory exam + Mid-term exams + Assignments due dates + Group presentations. Sigh. There were happy moments or days but not much.

As March packed his bags to leave & April waited at the door, I thought April will be as nasty as March because they looked the same. I was proven wrong. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, something anti-climax or unexpected happens. Like our SPSS application test that was postponed again last week. Like the French oral test I was supposed to take last Monday but I couldn't because I was sick. There are more... but I can't recall anymore now. The point is, these unexpected events keep happening & they make me smile every time I realise they are happening.


Let's hope that they will keep on happening during exam weeks.
*With luck, I might be utterly diverted ("amused", not "distracted").*



[So far...] I love you, April.

A friend tweeted about this issue few hours ago.

I always thought I'm an introvert but from these online tests (which might not reflect the real thing anyway) I'd taken... I don't know what to think. But it seems possible for conversions to happen. Or maybe I'm both?

---
NerdTests.com's "The Introvert-Extrovert Test"


---
Blogthings' "Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?"

You Are 20% Extrovert, 80% Introvert

You are quite reserved You aren't afraid of social situations... But you very much prefer to go it alone And why not? You're your own best friend!

---

OkCupid.com's "The Introvert/Extrovert Test"

Got this :

Introvert Extrovert
You're a quiet person, but not too quiet. You like your own company at times, but don't mind the company of others. Ideally, a few people is better than a lot in most situations. You'd be well suited to living in a small town and can easily handle living on your own. You know how to have a good time, but also know how to enjoy a good book. While a night on the town can be enjoyed, you don't like to go out all the time. One can get too much of a good thing. You can be irritated by extroverts sometimes. Especially if they talk a lot about non-consequential things or other people. You can sometimes be misunderstood for being grumpy and some extroverts find you a little aloof. You're probably relatively happy in who you are although something can always be improved upon.

(They have other possible results 'extrovert', 'quietly extroverted', and 'very introverted'.)

---
Funtestiq's "Introvert or Extrovert?"

I think this one had some good questions but there's not much explanation on the result.

Your score on this Introvert/Extrovert test is 18,
which means that you are more on the Introvert side.

---

Differences between Introvert & Extrovert...

From NerdTests.com

Extroverts:
-have motives and actions that are directed outward.
-are more prone to action than contemplation.
-are typically very friendly to unknown people.
-feel empowered in social situations.

Introverts:
-have motives and actions that are directed inward.
-tend to be preoccupied with their own thoughts and feelings.
-minimize their contact with other people.

From Socionics.com :

Extroverts
-are interested in what is happening around them
-are open and often talkative
-compare their own opinions with the opinions of others
-like action and initiative
-easily make new friends or adapt to a new group
-say what they think
-are interested in new people
-easily break unwanted relations

Introverts
-are interested in their own thoughts and feelings
-need to have own territory
-often appear reserved, quiet and thoughtful
-usually do not have many friends
-have difficulties in making new contacts
-like concentration and quiet
-do not like unexpected visits and therefore do not make them
-work well alone

Hmmm.

"3x Thursday" Meme from here.
This is 3x Thursday for 01/21/y2k+10.

1. Do you like new experiences/people? Why or why not?

I may not look like it, but I do like new experiences/people because sometimes I can get easily bored with the usual stuff (haha). But I'm also the kind of person who doesn't like to go out of my comfort zone. Yeah, it's pretty complicated (that's why I always say I'm random). Maybe it's like this : If the "new" experiences/people are safe to try/know, I will like it. But if I know it's not good, not safe and will make me unhappy beforehand, then I will avoid them at all costs. I always take my "first impressions" seriously... but I'm open to "second impressions" (I'm not that rigid). I usually choose 'new' because I want to be different from others (like 'be among the first to have it' kind of thing). In percentage : 75% Like, 25% Dislike.

2. What about change? Do you embrace it, or do you run as far away from it as possible? Why?

Here's the weird thing (seems contradictory to Q1) : I don't really like changes. Maybe sometimes but not like MANY changes that happen every day or every week. I embrace them with a bit reluctance and nervousness but I rarely run away from them (mostly because it's not a situation I can slither out from). I need time to digest the new change and adapt to it. In percentage : 40% Like, 60% Dislike.

3. Let’s go materialistic here just for a sec: If you could have *one* brand new item (it can be anything and from anywhere), what would it be? Why?

A new cell phone/mobile phone/handphone with touch screen, good camera, WiFi-capable and no contract needed. My current "want" is only this... & I'm working on it.

Can you get tired of reading?

I’m not talking about reading academic books or non-fiction books… I mean all kind of reading materials and ways of reading (GReader, Internet, TV etc).

It happened to me yesterday till now (it’s fading… & the ironic thing is I just told a friend how much I enjoy reading yesterday). Maybe it’s because reading has become so routine to me that I’ve become bored. I feel tired just by reading more words, sentences and paragraphs. All those words and the information they contained suddenly annoy me so much. I am sure this is only temporary but I find these feelings intriguing and a bit unsettling.

Luckily I’m not tired of watching word-less things (moving pictures, haha) and musical notes. Today I found myself closing my “The Three Musketeers” book just to watch people and vehicles that passed by the bus stand I was in. I wanted to stop imagining and see the real thing around me. I wanted to observe the real drama ‘scenes’ happening around me. I sang (a weird habit of mine when I’m alone at the bus stand) and hummed my favourite songs. One particular song I kept wanting to sing – Switchfoot’s “Learning to Breathe” (lyric from here).

Hello, good morning, how ya do? What makes your rising sun so new? I could use a fresh beginning too All of my regrets are nothing new So this is the way that I say that I need You This is the way This is the way That I'm learning to breathe I'm learning to crawl I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall I'm living again, awake and alive I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies Hello, good morning, how ya been? Yesterday left my head kicked in I never thought I could would fall like that Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe I'm learning to crawl I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall I'm living again, awake and alive I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies So this is the way that I say that I need You This is the way That I say I love You This is the way That I say I'm Yours This is the way This is the way

No reading involved. Weird much?

Maybe some part of the lyric can explain it...

p/s : In case you’re wondering… yup. I’m tired of reading (finding references, proof-read etc) while blogging too but I have to go on. Maybe I’ll proof-read later.