I feel really stupid about myself. My last post was in early January and since then there were no more new ones. I tried and want to find something to talk about in my blog but can't seem to find one. I'm not going to school anymore, so I don't have anything exciting happening in my life now.

But, today my cat died. I feel compelled to write something where I-don't-know-who will 'know'. If I write in my diary (speaking of diary, I haven't thank that someone who gave me a diary as a present last Christmas... He'll be leaving for Australia this Saturday. Going to send him a thank-you e-mail later), no one will know. So I chose my blog instead. And with this are some stories from last year.

Random #1-1 - Death
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Excerpt

I adore cats. The cats I have at home are cats that come to our house themselves. At first it was only 'feed them because they look hungry'... But later on as they frequent our house, we started giving names to them and they started living in with us. Through these few years, I've already experienced deaths of my cats many times. Cried many times. Kept saying "Why didn't I treated it better?"...

I also came to know the feeling "Oh, no! He/She's dying." It's when I see the cat lying almost life-lessly, he/she doesn't respond much to me when I touch him/her... I'll cry during his/her last moments... It's really a melancholic and saddening moment...

I wasn't particularly close to the cat that died today (It has a name but I won't use it for now), but I still can feel its loss. I feel the lump in my throat. But I'm not crying. Not this time. Or maybe, not today. I'll see more in my future, I should start learning how to cope with it now.

There might be people who wonder why death of a non-human could affect a human so much (My younger brother cried, no..., sobbed, because he saw the cat died during her last moments. He refused to go to school.) I guess, maybe it has something to do with familiarity. Something you already get used to see, touch, hear etc everyday suddenly is not there anymore. In short, we feel their absence because they were present in our life.

End of cat story.

Last year, before STPM examination started in Nov 13...
It was Sunday. We just returned from church. My dad received a phone call from my aunt in Kota Belud. She told my dad that grandma had suddenly wished to see us at the kampong. I was washing the dishes when my dad told us about it. I stopped doing what I was doing and had negative thoughts in mind. When we finally reach kampong, my grandma was resting on the sofa. She was very happy to see us. I listened carefully to what she said. But I can't remember it much now. In mixed malay and dusun, she told me not to cry if she's gone because she'll lead a good life in heaven. I think she said that because she saw my eyes brimmed with tears. I was struggling not to shed tears because I know I won't stop when they started rolling out.

*speechless*

I'm glad that she's still alive now. I love her.


Random #1-2 - Music
Had you ever encountered a song or instrumental piece that move you to tears or affect you emotionally in another way?

I did, once. It was 海底兩萬米 (Hai Di Liang Wan Mi, 20,000 miles under the sea) by 李芳 Li Fang, an insert song for "Love of the Aegean Sea". It's during my black years (2004/2005). That day, my Physics teacher, Mr. Ooi returned our test (or exam?) papers. I knew I flunk again. But afterwards, he asked me what's wrong in a concerned way. I was moved when he asked. Then back home, when I was doing my homework and listening to "Love of the Aegean Sea" OST, I cried when it reached 海底兩萬米. Well, the lyric didn't have anything to do with me at that time but it was the music that caused me to shed tears.

Another story: Last year, my MUET teacher gave us an assignment. She wanted us to find english songs with lyric to be shared in the class. Funnily, almost every group chose a melancholic, blues kind of song except my group, of course. I chose "Happy" by Alexia. I think it was the second group's song. I can't remember what they picked. But the song sure affected our teacher, Miss Florence, very much. In the end of the song, she explained that she recalled about her mother when she listen to the lyric. Ah.Now I suddenly really want to know what was that song. Another friend of mine, Helen (which was in my group that day) also cried when she listened to Vitamin C's "Graduation (Friends Forever)"... She said she was thinking about us after we left the school, after we 'graduated' what we'll be doing, all that....the lyric touched her. That day was special because I never saw that soft side of Miss Florence and Helen...


Now I remember what song! It was S Club 7's "Have You Ever"!


*The End*

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