Today I've been reading... my old diary of *let me check again* five years. There weren't that many entries but.. whoa.. I really poured out my thoughts in those entries, huh. I was surprisingly very, erm, perky in them. Past-me was trying hard to be positive(?). I called it false positivity this year when I roughly recall those years but... actually it wasn't really that. I think at that time, I thought that was the only way to "fix" the stuff I was going through. If not, I might've shut down. (There were mentions of suicidal thoughts but they were more of the "This is so bad but not that bad bad that I would do that" kind). There was also an entry about me getting an appointment with the uni's counselling officer... but I didn't mention the meetings in detail. Which just shows how much help I thought I was getting from that (-.-).