The previous week was the final week for this semester.

I was reluctant to attend the last class I had for that week. Was hoping that the lecturer will go with what she said a week before... 

*sigh* I went anyway... But it wasn't a normal lecture. She just informed us about our informal final exam (which was yesterday)... & shared some wisdom regarding the recent viva presentation. まあ。My DoS side made a brief appearance. She commented that the current batch was far more worse than the previous one (my batch). I didn't see the whole thing so I can't really form a general opinion... but if she say so, I'll take her word for it. 

いや。 Really. I'm glad that I went to see the viva presentation. I think... seeing the lecturers I had problem with before act professionally during viva had changed the way I see them. Just a bit I think... (I still can't accept their attitude). I was thinking, "They can act unbiased too huh." I hope that didn't sound worse than the way I meant it XD... I guess..it's understandable for them to have those prejudices (btw I really wish that they try not to think too much about them...)... when the quality of the students is just that. 

Back to class... she even gave some reviews which I think is useful for those who didn't do well for their Project I/viva. I wonder if the others were listening though... the lecturer is well known for her spicy comments during viva (thanks to stories told by students from the same batch with me)... so it could be possible that those juniors will just ignore what she said... Actually, I suspect that the horror stories were exaggerated. The two so-called infamous lecturers that will shoot you with deadly questions during viva DO know what they're asking. Of course, they'll be skeptical at times but isn't that the purpose of doing the viva? A chance to defend your research? 

Sometimes, I'm afraid that those viva stories will create misunderstandings... What if.. what if the comments given by the lecturers might had been helpful for them but because they "know" it's all just critics, they just disregard the comments?

≣≣≣≣≣★≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣
Addendum
16/Jan/2020
After 7 years staying as a draft post, this post is finally published today (backdated). As I mentioned last month, I probably planned to add something in the end  of the post but forgot to do so... The content isn't relevant to current day  me anymore...("My 'black years' phase never ended") but since it's part of my life experience, I decided to publish it anyway. To my old self: F.

Attended the viva presentation (for my program) yesterday... & also the day before. But I missed the morning sessions because I woke up late XD

I attended once before. It was during my batch's viva... Didn't go to the 2nd (Project II) one but I've heard horror stories about it. If I really have no idea on how to write a research paper, I would be very, very, very scared by now. *sigh*

The second day was scarier. The problems were still the same (it really doesn't matter if the head program doesn't know much math) as before, lack of researcher's skills... erm... things like that. To be honest, I find that the comments given by the lecturers (including those I have issues with lol) were potentially very helpful - should be helpful for them in their research but alas... some of them didn't even understand what they did wrong (they were clueless when asked if they understand what the lecturers just told them). Of course, the way they express their comments wasn't always very nice... so it might be hard to listen to them... but their suggestions were helpful, especially for a screwed up thesis paper.

I know that I will face the same thing next semester, but... あの日、ドSになっちゃった。I'm not even sorry for making that my initial reason of attending (I learnt a lot though in the end so I was glad I went... *hopefully I'll remember them*)... but seeing overconfident 後輩たち crumbled (esp those who I find rude before) was such a pleasure (言っちゃった!). Yes, I'm saying this so carelessly without any guarantee that the same thing will happen to me. Maa... if I screwed up, it would be a nice story to blog about anyway...

Oh yeah. One thing that really caught my attention was the strictness of which language is allowed for them to use for their thesis. At the beginning of the semester, I saw some of the permission (to write their thesis paper in english) form sent (by juniors) at the general office & wondered if they are up to it. During the viva presentation, some students were asked about their MUET band (I was surprised because I thought they got higher *overthinking*) & the head program passed his judgement like "You do in Malay!" (even though that person did it in English) in the end.. I actually thought あくま looked so cool doing that!!!

．
．
．

楽しかったです～

I skipped November this year!

Only for this blog though. 

So... this week was the week they submitted the draft for the first 3 chapters of their final year project. Me excluded. (Off-topic: I found out I wasn't alone. There's another guy who's in the same batch with me who will start doing his thesis next semester. Hello friend! lol). 

Anyway... been taking classes with juniors since few semesters ago.. I'm able to recognize most of them nowadays (except those I rarely talk to) although, honestly, I couldn't remember their names. *bitter smile* They remembered mine though... Gee. Was/Am I discussed that much by other lecturers? *perasan XD* Some of them are naturally lovable... They are usually the mood-makers of [certain] classes.. And of course. Some were annoying. That's not really a problem. The ones that could occupy my mind with anger (& a bit hatred *I'm being honest here*) are the rude ones. With my inner conspiracy theorist & Naruse-like thoughts at action, I used to always wonder just what assumptions about my character were told to those juniors by あくま et al. Okay... maybe it's unrelated... *thinking too much kind of thing*.. but a few weeks ago, I find myself offended by what some of them said & did (different people) - yes, I'm ashamed to admit to myself that I can be petty & sensitive during those moments... moments I will not mention here - I spent hours replaying those scenes in my head... I know it could get worse so I decided to play the ignore card again. It worked out beautifully.

Ahh... Now I feel like pouring out everything here. Maybe later.. in other posts.

"There's some kind of prejudice going on," said my conspiracy theorist side. It's inevitable...? Students who extend their studies in university only consist of failing/repeating students... you think? (Maa... It is true for my case. I didn't forget that fact.) But that isn't the only reason they have to extend... *sigh* Alright. I guess, for lecturers, they speak with experience - they had seen other realities... but I'm not obliged to agree with them all the time.

Especially if the lecturer is someone who spreads unproven accusations around & in risk (or maybe it has happened?) of damaging a student's reputation... I don't have to always agree with what this kind of person said. 

A lot of things had happened since my previous post. 

I did, on two different occasions, ignored  and pretended not to see あくま. The first one was when my friends and I walked past the lecturers' parking area. Coincidentally, he was just about to leave -I saw his car- & I just kept on walking. I could hear some car honking behind me. It was him alright... but I didn't bother looking back anymore, thinking he was calling out to my friend, F-san. Then my other friend called my name. He wanted to meet me too it seems... He asked me about my final year project (I think it was because I didn't submit a title and supervisor's name & he knew about it through their meeting). The other one was when F-san & I went to the our school's general office. He was checking his lecturer-mailbox. I walked on as if he wasn't there. Of course, my childish side considers these as achievements XD

Moving on.. Last week I came upon the realization that the depression I think I had during my SPM years might have develop to something worse. The symptoms fit with the things I did & felt post-2007... It was kind of more noticeable nowadays (which prompted me to look up on the symptoms online last week). I dare not think it would be true... but if it IS true, then it would explain why I behave like I do now. You know, I thought I got better during form 6 when I started looking forward to tomorrows and not think of sleeping eternally and hoping that I never wake up anymore... I never really did (or do) think of deaths though.. just some kind of comatose state (if you notice, I seem to contradict myself years ago..hmm)... I actually believe that there are things I can look forward to in the future &  what I experience now is only temporary... 

Arashi's "truth". I always listen to this when I'm angry.
Edited 7 years later. Music video from Arashi's own youtube channel!

Current mood: Bitchy.

Yesterday, while I was busy with the processes (had to go to many places to get the form signed) of renewing my matric card (3 words: Expired. Extension. Important.), I received a text message from my friend about DrA (gosh Mel! I'm so tempted to use the nickname あくま for him *such a perfect initial*). I had given him my form (I want to take another subject this semester but I'm one credit hour over the allowed amount *15*) the day before. Written comment(s) must be attached to the form before the dean can sign it. He knew that all along... & yet he didn't inform me earlier... *annoyed* *あくま！*... Anyway.. he had problems with the subjects I plan to take this semester (all 3rd year subjects).. he suggested that I switch programmes (I'd thought of this before) & I explained I don't want to because I couldn't stand going through another 3 years (AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO/CAN USE THE DEGREE TO GET THE JOB I WANT LATER *arrogant*). Then he further suggested I change - re-take some 2nd year subjects - because all the 3rd year subjects are killer subjects. HUH? You think I'm not aware of that?? ...to be honest, to me, all of them are killer subjects because I hate what I'm studying now! I didn't get it why he was so against the subjects I decided to take this semester! Maa... I can understand if it involved the subjects he teach, I can TOTALLY UNDERSTAND if he doesn't allow me to take them... but it really baffled me. I thought "What the heck was going on?" while I was holding back my tears... 

While he was typing out the official memo (the "comments" needed), I couldn't hold them anymore. Amidst my tears-shedding moment, something he said caught my attention. He was saying something like how could he allow I take those subjects when I failed four subjects... blah blah blah... Then I realised that he was referring to my old results (actually I already barely passed three of them!!). WTH? 1&*^$*@83!!!!!!!!!

To make the story short, for this semester I'm not going take his bloody class. I'm allowed to take the other subject (in which he's in charge of the lab tutorial session) if only I will report to him about my progress (& if it's bad, I have to withdraw from taking the subject).

Life is complicated. 

Anyway, I cried because I couldn't accept the way he was treating me. Yeah, I know, I REALLY KNOW & AWARE that my results aren't good (but that was mostly because I didn't care to study *so bad!*) but I'm not stupid! My ego just can't handle that treatment... I know that I'm good at a lot of things [I like]... he sounds like he's assuming that I'm bad at that. Among the things he asked me was if I finished taking my language classes... WHAT language class? I already got that over with many semesters ago... so obviously he thought I'm taking the 5-semester English class!!!! WHAT???? I know my english level isn't the best, but I dare say mine is better than his! There, I said it! *Arrogance=MAX*... Of course he speaks in english with confidence but he's always committing grammar mistakes *says the grammar enthusiast in me* HUH! 

At this moment, I'm so/still bitchy & bitter about the whole thing that I can't find a place in my heart to respect him anymore. I plan to ignore him for the rest of my life. Expect bad behaviour from me whenever we meet!

Finally had the courage to update my blog. 

September is supposed to always be my best month of the year... 

But this year's September started sweetly (with my birthday or was that supposed to be bitter too because I got a year older? XD)... & then bitterly with my best friend leaving Sabah to further her studies few days later... 

...& another new semester starting this week.

SIGH.

I do love familiarity a lot... I think I do get lost (at first) when someone I used to have around me is going to go somewhere out of my reach (by hand, lol). The recent news of my sister's audition for a local music diploma somewhat upsets me.

I feel so selfish & guilty. 

And... new semester... ermm...I don't know. "It's going to be okay" is a phrase I should keep telling myself now, but I'm just so not convinced at this moment. 

...

*moving on to happy thoughts*

Thank you to everyone who wished me happy birthday ❤

M-chanへ

I just read your letter today (a week later).. firstly, I want to apologize for the Sunday we were supposed to meet. 本当にすみません！m(_ _)m  

Your letter gives me encouragement to persevere... *hopefully this semester will be fine - that's all I'm asking for now*.. I'm sure you'll do fine with the new environment ❤... I don't know what to say anymore at this moment :P.. so.. 

THANK YOU for the letter & the present(s). I can't wait to read it!

It seems like my piano exam result was out last Monday...? Did I remember the wrong date?... AH. I can only wait till my class this coming Sunday to know. *sigh*

Regarding my final exam results for last semester... well... it wasn't bad... from my point of view... I finally passed one of the subjects I failed few semesters ago. But I failed the other class again *omigosh. I just laughed to myself after I typed that out XD*... Forgive me if I sound unrepentant. It's shameful indeed. But I have totally lost any interest in what I'm studying. I seriously thought of switching programs/majors after I saw my exam result..  man. I even thought of quitting!

I decided not to in the end because it would be very bothersome & wasteful. 

*BIG SIGH* 

Actually I knew it was going to be like that... Arghh. I hate the thoughts of taking classes with Dr A again. .............................................

Anyway.. now I'm worried about my final year project. I actually had interest in random numbers (totally no idea under what subtopic this is under though)... But after the few hours of thinking of switching & quitting, I think that topic is too hard for me too handle... it's also very risky considering my lack of motivation. 

The only thing I'm interested in doing now is my music theory (my piano teacher have the same thing in mind with me - Grade 5's Theory exam instead of Grade 4's!)... so predictably, it led me to thinking of doing research on mathematics & music. But...I don't know where to start! Which lecturer to consult with? What topic? *the worst thing is I can already imagine Dr A smirking like a ドS during viva/progress presentation because this topic isn't as good as what his field can offer. URGHH.* Ha......... I should start reading articles regarding this. The least I can do is find some info before I meet my mentor. This too... I can already imagine her nagging why I didn't do better last semester & maybe... how will I find work later with these not-so-bright results.. huh. *evil smirk*... ah.. but I can answer this if it ever come up. "I'm really, really, REALLY not interested in Math. But even with these mediocre results, I want to be able to graduate." "... I can always be a piano teacher if I want to... because I CAN."

....

Somewhat... I'm beginning to think that I'm going to start talking back at my lecturers next semester (Oh gosh!!)... student with bad attitudes in the making? Have to admit... I've gone from hating what I study to hating everyone related to what I study.

I'm grateful that I didn't get a PTPTN loan.  

I'm grateful that I take up piano lessons again four years ago.

I'm grateful that I took piano & music theory exams.

ABRSM Piano Practical Exam (Grade 5).

Reached there quite late... & suddenly felt glad I didn't take this exam alone. My brother came all the way from Perlis (he just started his diploma there few weeks ago) just to sit for this exam (lol).

At first, I couldn't find the examiner's name anywhere. Unlike my previous exam experiences, the steward didn't sit in a room. The "check-in" counter was directly out of the exam room. When I sat down to wait for my turn then only I saw a pinboard with some exam-related articles. The examiner was John Davenport. The exam room was more spacious than before (the exam was held in Kota Kinabalu's Hyatt Hotel; before was at a hotel in Warisan Square). It's also pleasantly bright (the curtains were drawn away). The piano... meh.. I can't remember what brand was it... but it was nice to play on it.. not hard (my teacher said the keyboard of the piano used during exams is usually hard). I was thinking that they should consider holding the exam here again because I really love the room - it was very comfortable.

The exam...

.............

I was miserably horrible during the scales & arpeggio parts. Then I made some unforgivable mistakes when I played my three pieces. Got an adagio piece in Eb for sight-reading... quite okay.. I guess... *very doubtful*... Made the usual mistakes I always do for aural...

AHHHHH. 大丈夫かな.... （汗）

For sure I'm going to fail for the scales/arpeggios part... and I can't think positively anymore for the other parts....... *prepares for the worst*

But... I can already list things I've learnt from my third time taking this practical exam:

...okay now I'm off to watch some doramas to get this bitter aftertaste off my mind.

Attended the second Master class yesterday. Nervous too. Same person who conducted the first one (& he remembered me! hehe). I actually had more confidence in playing my pieces this time but alas... made so many mistakes! I even thought he would give a comment like "..you sounded better last time, what happened?" But he didn't. I'm surprised that he said nice things again (thank you!!! 感動しましたよ、あたし。 -- & he also mentioned that he doesn't say them often :D)... he even said something like there's those usual things people look out for (techniques etc) but people can also hear if you play with soul (oh gosh I hope I remembered this part correctly)... 

Recently, I started recording my practice sessions (exam pieces) & I realised there's a difference between what I hear during playing & the recorded ones. Like some people said to me, .... I should really have a bit more confidence with myself. *sigh*... By the way, I really should start sticking to this recording habit... it's very helpful. I can hear which part I can improve on... 

...& also start listening more to pros' performances. I listened to a professional pianist's performance on Youtube two nights ago & I ended up crying... I was so touched by the way he played Bach's Partita no.6 (found the video when I was looking for the 4th movement which is one of my exam pieces).

Finally attended piano class officially at the new place my music school moved to. It's near Asia City (at Star City to be exact.. I think. *unfamiliar with this area :P*). I think it's a very strategic location... compared to the old place... but seems to be very empty (many shops closed) on Sundays *sigh*. 

I had a new timetable (at noon) but my teacher asked if I can come early (like usual) starting next week & I agreed :) *well, I really like that time slot*... anyway, on the next class, I'm going to start on Grade 4's music theory... and maybe start playing Grade 6's pieces...? Ah, but the new editions of exam pieces haven't arrived (I think.. forgot to check the books section :P)... and.... *hopefully I'll pass my G5 exam!*... I should focus more on theory now 'cos I need Grade 5's theory to take practical exams higher than G5....

Man.. I know I shouldn't think of this now but I can't help it... feeling quite optimistic after my class ended. Like I'm anticipating a bright future ahead (lol).

Must spend my day tomorrow mastering all those scales and arpeggios

STILL VERY NERVOUS.

Where to begin...

I wasn't quite sure whether I should have registered for piano practical exam (grade 5) earlier this year. Maybe I thought I could cope with it... Then new semester in university started, and nearing the end, I realised that I was in deep trouble. Kind of. You see.. I didn't perform well for that semester (is expecting the worst for my final exams result)... but I didn't practise well for my piano exam either...

Then, a month before the piano exam, my music school started giving master classes. I usually didn't attend these in the past... but because I'm taking a difficult grade now, I tried being a good student by trying to attend them :P... but it scared me off every week! The first week was only recital... but among my audience was a tough critic. I was given some very tough comments by one of the piano teachers that happened to listen to what I play (played my three pieces very nervously though - not a good combination). Of course I'm aware of my weaknesses - my teacher does too - so I know whatever she said was not entirely baseless. Though it did affected me someway because my teacher seemed to sense it after I told her my how my second week went. 

It's master class for second week where someone will hear us play and give comments & marks (similar to the real exams). I was scared for this too... & because I was reluctant to attend (after what happened before), I reached the music school very late. He was already preparing to leave! Then he noticed me & asked if I was coming for the exam [thing].. Was thinking "Late and very nervous...Oh gosh!!! What am I going to do??" Well.. I was already there.. so might as well just play... but I was really, really nervous! I did some mistakes here and there. After I was done, I said thanks and apologized for my tardiness earlier & was going to leave. Then he asked me to stay... because he's going to talk about my performance. やばい！！！！！ I was waiting for the worst when he suddenly said things like it was well-played and something more similar to that... Inside I was like "Hah? Eh?" lol .. Returned home somewhat dumbfounded. One of my problems was expressing the pieces I play. Of one of the pieces I played, he said it was expressed well... EH?

*BIG SIGH*

Different people have different tastes... I guess (my teacher said the same thing)... I was somewhat in low spirits after the recital but now I know better not to let those harsh comments affect me. 

Exam is next week... haven't finished mastering those scales & contrary motion scales yet *panics*... But at least, this week, I finally nailed down the part where I have to sight-sing (nice skills to have/improve on btw)... I was surprised that this is included in the aural section months earlier (but maybe I shouldn't be surprised?? - I missed quite a lot by skipping grades 3 & 4)...

頑張れ、あたし！

勝った。

Blog meme from here.

Saturday  9: Ain't Too Proud to Beg

1. What was the last thing that you begged for? 

I'll be honest : it's money. Selfish reasons. ...and I won't say what it was for here because it might jinx my chances of getting it :P 

2. Have you ever lost a best friend after a fight? 

Ah... I did... I think I did. Shame on me... can't really remember when & who though. But I re-connected with one of them when I started secondary school. (^_^)V

3. When was the last time you just wanted to be invisible? 

Two semesters ago was the time I realised I'm not interested with what I'm studying now. That realization affected my studies quite a lot. I wasn't motivated in doing assignments, homework & midterm/final exam papers. So it wasn't really a surprise when I screwed up a group assignment for my Virtual Reality class. I really wanted to be invisible on the presentation day. I created my group's poster (on what we created) in a wrong way/format & the whole project wasn't done according to what the lecturer asked for (actually I didn't know it was supposed to be in such a way). I told my partner what I did wrong & somewhat we (or I?) ended up telling my lecturer the truth. We were asked to present anyway. I didn't realised that my partner went missing during preparation. Ah.. I think I had mix reactions at that moment. My partner didn't answer the phone when I called her. I almost wanted to cry when my other classmates gave their moral support. Was thinking something like "Is this situation this bad already?" I actually thought of running away too XD

Wow. I didn't think this answer will be long lol..

4. Which room of your home tends to be the messiest? 

Ah... my room? It's hard not to notice because I spend most of my time in my room XD

5. You are to be locked in a room forever with a celebrity. You get to choose. Who do you pick? 

Arashi! Better yet...Ohno Satoshi! Hope he didn't learn much about pick-locking for his dorama XD

6. Has someone ever left another person to be with you? 

No.

7. What’s been kind of a drag for you lately? 

Programming assignments.

8. How are you different from your (current or most recent) significant other? 

Can't provide answer. Not applicable. XD

9. What is the most perverted thing someone has ever said to you?

I don't remember.

Yesterday was a great day.

Had midterm exam for Differential Equations in the afternoon... was dying to check Twitter about KagiHeya's press conference. 

I might sound like a really bad student, but for the first time, I get to answer all questions for a midterm exam...  haha.. ...oh well, though I wasn't sure for one question (completely forgotten my notes :P)...

...and then suddenly there's an announcement of a replacement class for Friday to be held shortly after the midterm exam ended. At first I decided not to go - I even made promises to myself  that I will study harder for that class later - ... & before I knew it, I already sat in the lecture room XD. Man.. I'm so random. I don't even listen to myself anymore. Apparently, my practical subconscious mind has been busy lately huh.

Though...I sure am glad I attended the class. The lecturer was so busy, he only stopped for a while to give us tips on the upcoming midterm exam. Lucky~

While waiting for the lecturer to come, I checked on Twitter ...& was pleasantly surprised to read that "Face Down" is used as Ohno's dorama's theme song. (^^)V


Oh, happy day~

Today I attended a motivational session(?) held by my program's lecturers. It was for students with not-so-good results. まあまあ...それは...当たり前でしょう。Of course. What else could it be for? :P... Anyway... I was surprised that one lecturer (actually she's my mentor since previous semester) remembered my name. I was amused & a bit scared at the same time. Lol. Was asked what's my problem... & I just told everyone out straight that I have no interest in what I'm studying :P. Fuuu. I've wanted to do that since last semester. 

Hmmm...But most of the things the lecturers said don't really apply to me.. Only the disinterestedness & laziness are correct.

Regarding previous post. Argghh. Things got complicated again & I changed my mind at the last minute again. AGAIN. I finally got the chance to meet the lecturer. She CAN do something to make it happen... but then I asked about the midterm exam that was supposed to be held today. It was postponed to next week. I don't think I have the confidence or energy for that now... but I told her, I want to try for the midterm exam first. 

Oh man. What was I thinking?

I guess the motivation thing is working already XD

p/s: Received the books I ordered from HMV Japan today...  

Few weeks left until the day the first episode of Kagi will be aired...! *excited* 

SIGH.

For two weeks (or maybe three), I thought of doing something important every Wednesday (the class is held every Wednesday morning - I was always reminded of it). Yesterday, finally, I made the decision. Yes, yes, yes... I have every reasons I can think of to justify my actions. Why can't I continue if everyone else is doing fine? 

I can't do it because I'm not "everyone else".

I can't do it because of what I am. 

A practical, selfish perfectionist. 

Gosh. I know it's not the time to take a luxurious option like this. But if I don't do this, I think... I think... I would not survive for other similar important things. I need to stay sane or I'll shut down & won't care about doing my best for my final exam/G5 piano exam. 

... and. As expected, programming assignments/homework take a lot of my time this semester. What makes it worse is the fact that my programming skills aren't the best... I can spend hours (e.g 4 hours *true story*) on a problem & still I can't think of the solution. Recent programming assignment had me sleep-deprived & worried for the whole week. I'm very terrified of the class. I have even started having weird dreams & nightmares now.

As if it can't get worse... things escalated even more. I heard from my friend today that the supervisor I was hoping to get might not accept any students now. What a let-down. The lecturer sounded like she doesn't expect much from a Math major...  moreover, she is more into programming stuff... Of course, I'm aware of it... but I don't think I could fit in with other lecturers... or even other topics. 

The only thing I can do now is do some online research on the topics I have interest in... before the semester ends... so that I can show her (or maybe other lecturers?)... & if necessary, beg her to accept me XD

This is how future looks like now...

Removed dead link to image.

（一）

YesAsia cancelled my order. They couldn't find the books I want. It's kind of disappointing (esp after that "Meikyuu" incident)... but I found another online store I can order from (hopefully they could find them this time). More than a week ago, I asked my mum to help me buy 「鍵のかかった部屋」from Kinokuniya though :P (coincidentally she was in KL the next day for a meeting after I got the cancellation e-mail for Kagi's novel). I think it was the last copy - LUCKY!~~~

（二）
Exams. Didn't take the exam for the class I took during semester break last Friday. A certificate will be awarded (during graduation) if one passes the exam. I didn't attend the first week of the class so being the practical me, I decided not to waste my time there. Stupid decision? Well, my choice, my life - deal with it. Besides, I have another skill-related exam that I care more about that I should be focusing on now (the exam is tomorrow). But of course, I'm truly grateful for the knowledge taught to me during holidays - it would really help me pass my CG courses & get a better understanding of the programming world (hopefully).

（三）
Super excited for Ohno's new dorama this coming April! His character reminded me a lot of Galileo's (enjoyed this dorama when I saw it first in 2007) Yukawa-sensei. Mystery/detective things & Sherlock-type characters have always been my cup of tea. :D I can't wait to see his interpretation of Enomoto Kei! Even though my vocabulary is still lacking, I might attempt to read the original novel because I'm too curious of the lead male & female characters' interaction~ ...& Toda Erika. Didn't watch her doramas that much but I used to think her expressions were natural in Code Blue (haven't finish this though :P). Somewhat a better actress than Aragaki (judging from Code Blue). I could have liked her as an actress! XD (though I don't really like her characters in Nobuta & HanaDan2)

I used to describe him having a vast range of knowledge in his field. Taking full-length classes with him this semester made me see something else... & think otherwise. I respect him. I still do. Maybe I'm being oversensitive but I could not always appreciate his "sense of humour".. if you could call that humour. In fact, I will not tolerate it when he make fun of things I take interest in... such as art. Heck, I felt insulted even when he talked about Math (although I don't like Math that much anymore). How ironic...being in charge of a program you think mostly consist of things that have "doubtful" usefulness to future job prospects. Even if there are truths in that (of course not everyone can be mathematicians), it's unnecessary to make fun of it by telling your clients (students are clients, no?) in such a way as if they've made a bad investment or something. The future is an uncertain thing. You can envision a future... but there are still possibilities you will arrive at a different future from what you aimed for.

*a deeply offended individual*

Gosh. I really hate it when I found another thing to hate on besides something I already hate (& made peace with). 

This year is different. It's going to be different. 

One new thing I did this year is opening a Paypal account.

It started from knowing that there are fans who sell the Limited editions (Japan version) of Arashi singles (obviously it's Arashi-related :P) on Livejournal. Of course, they are pricey... but I don't care if I could own the limited edition of "truth" & others that I couldn't purchase before... :D 

Anyway. This knowledge led to doing many other new things. First I went to CIMB bank & converted my ATM card to the debit card + ATM card. Then I realised their debit card doesn't permit online transactions ("no-card-present transactions not allowed").. which means I can't link it to my Paypal account! Boo. Then I moved on to my Maybank account. All I had to do was to sign up for a Maybank2U account... & also register my mobile phone for the TAC thing. I don't know if this is necessary for using the debit card but I felt uncomfortable if my number is not registered because I got used to TAC when using CIMBclicks. Then, it's done. Linked the cherry card successfully to Paypal...

Somewhat.. typing all these here seems insecure. I didn't mention anything private, did I?

So... two days ago, before Ohno's Spring dorama was confirmed, I ordered the novel (lol) & paid using Paypal for the first time (paid more but it's an easy way to purchase things online when you don't own a credit card) on YesAsia. I also ordered Arashi's latest album "Beautiful World" 's songbook. ...I'm very satisfied with my order :P. Glad I ordered the novel earlier because now it's temporarily out of stock (hopefully they'll manage to find a copy for me). I'm guessing that the novel is back hot in demand now in Japan as it's going to be a dorama next season. 

I can't wait for April to come!

...because I was sick.

Afternoon class (CG) was... URGGH. Honestly, if I choose to exaggerate, dying would be easier than surviving this class. Good thing I dropped out from the class I went to yesterday because this CG class is definitely going to rob all the time I have for myself & maybe... my time for other subjects too. Fortunately I'm not taking both Dr A's classes (no way I'm taking VR again!!) this semester. I'm going to focus on this one & only non-Math subject without having the burden to think of any other similar computer/programming subjects... & die a slow death while I'm at it (had I mention that dying would be easier? Oh yeah, I did). If this doesn't kill me, I still have other three Math classes to torture me to death, if death is necessary.

Yes, yes! I'm nervous!

I don't think I can handle this class... but what to do? I must take this subject this semester..or it will interfere with my 1-year extension plan. 

Met a coursemate (same batch) I haven't seen for a long time. At least I'm happy to know that I have a familiar face taking the same class. 

And... Ohno has a new dorama this Spring. 

A new dorama.

A new dorama.

A new dorama!!

A new dorama!!!!

A NEW DORAMA!!!!!

<3

Yesterday, I went to my first class of the semester... 

...which I had to drop eventually because the timetable clashes with another class. 

I'm still thinking really, what made my day felt so lousy yesterday? 

Was it because I suddenly got a text message telling me that the exam for the class I took during holidays was TOMORROW? 

But later on, I got another text from my friend saying it is postponed to next week. Rejoiced but it still didn't make me feel good.

Then it must be related to the class I just attended. Actually it's a repeat class but apparently the lecturer (a different one from my time) decided to split the class according to the programs the 1st year students are currently in. The program I'm in has a different timetable. I should be attending the Thursday class... unfortunately, I'll be taking another calculus class (Differential Equations) at the same time. The lecturer recommended to take the class next year instead of this semester. *suddenly had the urge to say bad things at this point* This is it, I think, the thing that polluted my day. Bleh. I guess I didn't like being given advice this way... it felt like I was being told off just because I'm repeating the class. It's a terrible feeling to have. 

... after sleeping early because I was upset for hours before doing this post, I'm kind of amused with myself because I discussed with her wholly in English... I think it was the longest conversation in English I ever had in campus since I entered university. 

Yes, I rarely speak English in my university life. Used to be a shy speaker ...but not anymore since Form 6 (I think). The thing is... er.. actually it's my own problem... & I'm sure this could be taken in a very different way... though generally it will come of as arrogant... the problem with me is, I rather speak in Malay if the other person is speaking broken English. Text messages are an exception though (& probably other written/type-written medium)... I usually text the way they text (because I presume that's their best way to convey & understand text messages). 

I know. Even I think of myself arrogant when I realised this. My parents have been telling me to just speak away because at the same time I'll be doing the other person a favour... 

...honestly, I still can't do it now.

This is the end of this post... but I while I'm here, I would like to do some pre-fangirling over Ohno's new Mon9 (fondly known as Getsu9/月9) dorama.

「鍵のかかった部屋」Kagi no Kakatta Heya (Locked Room)

FINALLY. 

FINALLY! 

What took him so long? :P

>Ohno-san, what took you so long???

But I have to admit that it's worth the wait. Gosh. It's the Mon9 slot dorama, people! I've been wanting him to get this slot since many other Johnny's artistes seem to get this slot so easily :P (Jun, twice). Not to mention, it's on FujiTV - yay for another leader-less VSA battle! Audience in Japan seems to watch TV real-time at days like Mon-Wed, which means higher viewership rating (which can bring to more Ohno doramas in the future)... This is almost like Maou again because it seems like some still have doubts about whether he could handle a Mon9 dorama.

It's actually not confirmed yet though... sort of. It's reported in a TV magazine (scans available since Monday) that is to be released today but there haven't been any newspaper reports available yet to verify the validity of the magazine report. Maybe today. Hopefully today. 

Some minutes later...

I've seen it already. A scan of the newspaper report. What's left is the noise (online articles reporting the same thing, people tweeting their opinions) in the morning.

Translated news on
>> Tokyohive || Tokyograph || MomoEdgewood

I'm very excited about this.

a continuation to previous post...

Day 5（月） - Started thinking how much I hate programming... "I really don't get this."

Day 6（火） - Class started late in the afternoon. Thought more of how I hate programming again... & I think Dr A hates me for not completing last night's assignment (which of course I did realised how stupid of me for not following my usual routine *rebellious*). Though... this felt like Miss Biol all over again. What's with me wanting to be approved by teachers/lecturers who are hard to please, huh? I hate to think that I'm this ドM.. Really... Maybe stoic is a better choice of word. No. Not anymore. Went on this road once before & the result was devastating. I shouldn't care what they think of me. I know what's my best way to learn things & I'm going to stick to that method from now on.

Day 7（水） - Still quite rebellious about doing assignment... nonetheless, I followed my routine. That didn't mean I could run the program smoothly though. Feeling a bit insipid & depressed during class... to the point where I started thinking whether studying something I've fell out of love with in my current university is a good decision or not. Since a year ago, I've thought so many times already in class about how I shouldn't be in that class. It was hard to follow what the lecturer say - partly because I didn't do some reading before class - but most often because I feel like I can just open a book and read at home without attending the class. I really hope the university rule for 100% attendance every semester is changed :/

Day 8-9 （木・金）

------------------------

I happened to read that Plato's quote in my Twitter timeline hours ago. It sounded so meaningful today. I wonder why... 

Maybe.. because lately, I've started noticing things from the way people treat & talk to me. I kept thinking "You really don't know me *smug smile*" or "You don't know what I'm capable of".. things like that, & I realised I could also be in the same position with them. Yes.. I can assume their character all I want according to my logics, feelings & sentiments toward someone, but I could still be wrong about them. Even if the person is someone who is [very] close to me. The reason is simple - we are not the same person. Of course I know most people are smart enough to know this is true (me included) but sometimes we forget about this. That someone whose character is considered generally unpleasant by the society might have his/her own problems that not everyone could relate to which made them what they are today.

...

Sigh. This is one of the things I never thought of doing this year - re-connecting with myself and Conscience. It's a good thing really... because I've started to love myself again and be more accepting regarding my talents and failures.

I'm in a somewhat intensive programming class which helps prepare for a course I'm taking next semester. It's not even a sure thing yet if I could continue next semester :/... which made me feel worried in the beginning (oh. and I joined them a week late :P)... but in the end I just, well, put up with all the embarrassment (for what? is kind of complicated :P) I felt for myself & be in a "thick-skinned" mode to survive this. This week's class ended predictably with another group assignment.

Day 1（火） - Kind of worried about going to class. My friend (a coursemate in the same batch with me) was late. In class, while others are busy writing codes, I was taking my own sweet time installing the needed software :P...

Day 2（水） - Was in a situation similar to Nodame's Music History (or Appreciation?) class in the Paris SP. Clueless as to what should be done & what I did wrong (which was because of a mere semi-colon missing *huh*). If I care very much, I think I would be crying depressingly already.

Day 3（木）- Class started late in the afternoon. Made use of the extra time to complete yesterday's assignment... which was kind of fun once you figured out how to use the codes. I think Dr A kind of doubt I created it myself (I did expect this to happen though) but not really in a bad way... He was saying things like, "See...You can do it if you just work a little harder..." .. though what came to mind when I heard this was if he knew that I'm really a lazy, procrastinating person.. honestly, I felt caught red-handed :D. He even said "...You have to graduate this year!" I laughed inside because that would definitely not be this year... unless he meant something else? (like I didn't reach the 2.0 mark...? 怖いな.... )

Day 4（金）- Good day. I didn't miss much... but I'm kind of out of focus all day because I lacked sleep the days before. 

These days were... what was it.. I felt like I'm being tested, you know... whether I should be allowed to continue my studies or not... because Dr A is our new head programme... & he already knows about our exam results..

Maybe I'm being oversensitive...

Anyway... I'm just figuring this out quite slowly - this programming stuff - I catch up with things eventually though it's a bit slower.. BUT I really, really intend to learn this properly... & because I know I learn things this way better, it has to be according to my own pace.. so I shouldn't feel left behind if I just understood yesterday's lesson today.

Though it might be kind of sad to hear that I'm being quite optimistic (or maybe extra positive pessimistic) now because I have really high hopes for a new dorama with Ohno next season (rumoured to be a Mon9 or Tues9 dorama *good timeslots IMO*:D) . Hehe. 

I'm not changed at all. 

Still an Ohno & Arashi fan.

<3

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Blog meme from here.

Saturday 9: Home

Currently I'm totally living where I grew up (haha). Because 1- I'm a penniless & yet to graduate university student, 2 - I want to spend time with my family as much as I can before I move out & 3 - I need to have access to a piano because I take piano/music theory exams almost every year :P. *selfish reasons*

Yes. It gives me headaches and bad days.

Errrr... Not really a fan.. but I kind of like this song since I saw him perform on Music Station years ago on Animax channel. IT WAS TOO CATCHY. XD I dare you to listen

edit 2022/01/21: "this song" = YT link removed. Watch it here instead. Listen on Spotify here. 

Nothing in particular but I know animal movies almost always will make me cry.

Never met one before... or maybe I just didn't care :P.

This depends on why I leave my home... basic things are wallet and mobile phone. Will include a book if the place I'm going will give me time to read.

Nothing really... I was more reserved as a kid & I don't really want to go back to that.

Cooking, I guess... I always have the urge to try the food I saw on Arashi shows XD so I will look up for the recipe online.

70? 80?

*waves to my first post in 2012 XD*

Last year, my goals were:

Did I reached the goals I set for last year? Hmmm. I want to say that I did... but my conscience  will make me feel guilty which isn't something I want to feel in the beginning of a new year. Honestly... I think I was halfway there... for both goals.

Though, for the big goal... it was more on identifying someone else's problems (lol)... In the latter half of 2011, I was in a very unsuitable position to judge myself... which fortunately (or maybe not fortunately) has recently became clear during the first week of final exams...

...when I was in the exam hall...

...answering some exam questions.

Gosh.. what an ungodly time to have such self-reflection moment XD...

Anyway, back to the topic... small goal... gah. I didn't create anything significant... only... well.. at least some of my coursemates noticed that I can draw (because I doodled things during breaks XD)... lol.

Never mind.

I'm so looking forward to 2012.

It's going to be a great year.

I believe it's going to be... a great year for me.

So my goals this year...

My 2nd year doing it Shukudai-kun style* :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Big goal for 2012:

Beat procrastination. 

Small goal for 2012:

Read 5 books every month.

OR

Create 5 paintings/drawings every month.

OR 

...a combination of both. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think it's a big thing that I decide to declare war against procrastination... because I really never bother to erm.. correct this bad habit. 面倒臭いだからさ。。。XD

But now, this habit is way out of [my] control... so I have to stop it before it gets worse then it possibly can. Of course I'm talking about this with studying in mind (I think no one cares if I procrastinate watching the latest episode of VSA XD)... what else could it be about? That's the only thing now that is badly affected by procrastination.

Anyway... I'm being flexible to myself regarding my small goal :P... oh well. As long as I can reach it every month this year...

２０１２年だね。

今年も宜しくお願いします~  ❤  m(_ _)m

*Inspired by Arashi no Shukudai-kun's new year episodes