This is composed under a slight emotionally unstable situation... It’s long so you can skip it.
I have totally lost it - I'm officially the dumbest among fools! I let those opportunities went past me, just like that! Three times already!
My actions were despicable – I know! – and my parents deserve to be mad with me. Remember my post in April? Ahh. Those days… were full of sweet dreams. You wish to be something, didn’t work hard enough for it, then in the end you don’t get to be what you wish to be. I always act so weird, I don’t know myself now anymore.
When I was in Primary 6, I worked hard for my UPSR. I was confident getting all As (5A). Most of the time, my style of studying was going through past years papers and similar exercises. That have always worked for me. I didn’t even finish read the notes in text books or reference books. But at the same time, I was a TV drama addict. I love watching chinese serial dramas on TV. That’s when my parents always nag me. Stop watching, go study. I think they, seeing that I’m not diligent enough, must had no expectations of me getting good grades for UPSR. Then, the results were out. 4As and a B. I was disappointed, but they seem okay with it. That must be start of all these.
Next, in secondary school… I aimed for 7As in PMR. The same style of studying still worked for me. I read little but did many exercises. Yes. In the end, I got what I want. At that time, things were to get even worse. SPM. I call my Form 4 and 5 years my black years. I believe I was having some kind of depression at that time, but I didn’t meet anyone to confirm it.
While everyone is enjoying their lives (they seemed to had it all balanced between work and play), I was having a hard time. I couldn’t cope with the new life. Being a [text/reference books] non-reader for years, I was shocked with the amount of “notes” I had to read (and to re-write…again). Okay. Fine. Organize them so that every day I would read a little bit so that I didn’t feel too overwhelmed. Wrong! I thought through things like that, but didn’t act on it. I kept procrastinating. I kept giving myself reasons to not study. I’m tired. I’ll do it later. Reasons, reasons until there’s no need for reasons anymore. I would just leave my books and went to sleep. Committing suicide was never in my mind…although, there were times I wished I would never wake up from my sleep and remained comatose for some period. Yeah. Oddly, I keep looking forward to what life would offer. I didn’t think the situation would get better… I just think that I would lead a good and exciting life in the future, and I anticipate that. I can still relate to that part of me now. Death isn’t going to help.
As expected, my SPM results weren’t that good. At least, not good enough to apply for what I wanted to study. I decided to try again with STPM. I rejected the two-year matriculation (in Labuan) offer to get into Form 6. I rejected the offer to study Computer Science in a college (it was the UPU thing). People called me crazy when I told them (and maybe stupid at my back). I didn’t care. As long as I got what I want. I enjoyed the Form 6 life. Well, the teachers were as fresh as us… we were the 1st batch of Form 6 in that school. Their inexperienced ways might had contributed a bit to our idleness. Mostly it came from our foolishness. Fast-forward. Exam day. I suddenly (and finally) realised it’s happening for real. Exam day! Did I prepared as I’d planned? Oh, no? No. I didn’t. I was startled by this little voice that confirmed I didn’t study enough for the BIG exam. No time to think why… my mind just straight away decided: “Retake next year's.”
So, next year – 2008. I think I already mentioned that my results weren’t any better than the 2007’s ones. All had been said in the post way back then. Last year, I rejected an offer to study Metallurgy. I’m not proud of it (although it may sound interesting to talk about in a class reunion next time when I’m successful)… Certainly, it isn’t something to be proud about. Anyway. It’s only when I’ve let go the dream, I could think without pressure. I will study something else, as long as I’ve interest in them. Here enters the subject of Social Science, Anthropology.
Putting that aside for a while… my parents are mad with me now because they seem to see me as someone who kept changing mind or [maybe] clueless of what I want. We received news about the Indonesian university I talked about last April. There’ll be an entrance exam this June 15th in UM. They were busy checking out prices for the flight from Kota Kinabalu to Kuala Lumpur. As the date approaches, the prices get higher. Which worries me a lot. Yes. Of course, I want to try… but I’m afraid of the consequences. What if the money spent would result in nothing? But then maybe I could make it… then here comes another thing – I’m not interested in studying in an Indonesian university (I told my parents that). I’m surprised with myself – after all those selfish things I’d done, I can still have the knack to be picky – I don’t deserve to reject anything anymore but… I can’t let myself be in a place I’m not comfortable with.
Another worrying issue is I might not even get what I want for UPU (I want to study in UMS so badly).
*sigh*
I know I’m not making much sense in this post… I’m not even sure if I’ve made my point or maybe I didn’t have any points at all. I’m just throwing out anything I have in mind – it’s so crowded in there!
It’s really obvious now that I need a major change of personality.
just take the entrance exam.
find out online what the exam is about.
are the questions linked to medic? study stuffs. science. chem. bio. physics.
try to take the exam.
200 american dollar is loads. but try u'r best to take it, n study it.
if u'r x succesful at it, repay ur parents next time when u'v got d dough.
bt 4 nw, if u can, take it.
it's an opportnity.
u may get it. or not. but,
carpe diem.
but i bet, u'll get d upu too.
God b with u.