Erm. It's March. I will start my driving classes this month. After postponing for almost 2 years (form 6) and another year (STPM retake)... Hopefully, I'll get to drive my family car this year. And no, I don't have any hopes of having a new car. I want to know how to drive so that I can lessen my father's burden of being the only driver in my family...
Okay. Maybe also because of the "cool" factor ...
Oh, come on. I see someone younger than me (maybe 1-2 years) at the church... driving around already. Even though you didn't hear it yourself, you know people will be talking like this: "Oh, <> is driving already?"...

Yeah. I'm envy of them because I haven't done it yet. Big deal.
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This month is my younger sister's birthday month. Of course. I've prepared what I want to get her already. Considering that I'm someone who always doesn't care about these things.. it's something I'm proud of. Oh well. I said before that I want to build myself again... and this is one of the steps : Strengthen the bonds between family/friends and me.

I received a "Thank You" video + note from Mel-chan.
Who's supposed to thank who? I think I received more than what I gave her! All those years I wasted... I think I need to make up for all those years I didn't give her birthday presents. She is so good to me!
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Oh yeah. Because of a situation, a desperate situation... I had to step inside my old school once again. Oh. It's a big thing for me alright... I never returned there since SPM results day. Stupid, stupid me! I felt so ridiculous being there. I didn't meet anyone I know or who knows me. But it's still a weird and almost-maybe half-traumatizing moment.

I love that school, I really do. But I cannot forget what it did to me in form 5.

As I walked along the walkway, the past started to fill my head. Not that I saw visions... it's like having that same feeling like before when I walked to those familiar places. The "Bilik Gerakan" which used to be our class before we moved into a permanent class. The smelly toilets. Sweaty teenagers.

The desperate situation was as follows: My father was late. My sister (she called me on the cell phone) who had started to lose her patience decided that she'll be in the library waiting to return home with my brother at 3.30pm (it was around 1.30-2.00pm). But she was supposed to get ready to go to our music school around 4pm so if she return home that late, she wouldn't be able to take a rest. So my father insisted on taking her home. When we reached the school, she was nowhere near the gate. She was in the library. I urged my father to get in but he refused, saying that he didn't know where the library is and at the same time scolding me for not telling her to just wait (which is stupid me!). To cut the story short: Reluctantly I went inside the school and reached the library. I know I can't just go in like that, so with all the politeness left in me (I felt tense and angry at that time) I asked the Indian girl who's job that day was to be the library security guard [I'll remember her alright... She's on duty on Thursday, evening session. The date was Feb 26, 2009]
*This is a gist of our conversation.*

Me: Saya mahu cari orang bah ni. [I'm looking for someone.]
Girl: Carilah. Carilah! [Look-lah... *what a lame translation*]

I know I'm an outsider and thus I'm not welcomed in there. I think she expected me to SHOUT OUT LOUD myself. Ehem. Do I have the authority to do that? I don't work as a librarian there.

Me: Jadi, boleh saya masuk? [So, can I come in?]
Girl: Eh, mana boleh. [Eh, cannot.]
Me(thoughts): You are really not helping.
Me: *looked at her disbelievingly, raised voice* Jadi, kau tolong carilah! [Then, you help me find-lah]
Then she called out my sister's name that I just told her.

From the way I was talking, it seems impolite... but that's how polite is in Sabah. [yeah, so, it's not polite enough. At least I didn't barge in like a mad woman.]

Well, everything ended [pretty] tensely. I became the one who nagged at my sister. And then my father continued the nagging in the car. Me? After going through these feelings: fear, tense, angry... I cried for maybe half an hour upon returning home. I always cry after something frightful and maddening at the same time happened to me. Not that I want to brag about it here, but I realise that I've lost control on that part of me... That day, I blamed myself for not knowing to drive because I could had pick my sister up because my father really had a busy day at his workplace (I was helping him temporarily so that's why I became involved in this problem). I cried my heart out because I think I'm the reason my family is breaking up. My mother is having a hard time at work because she had been given extra work (no salary raise) while everyone around her only have "simple" tasks to do. In my opinion, her boss is clearly taking advantage [in an unfair way] of my mother's capabilities. Why is the government sector [where my mother work at] so complicated? Everything they do seem reeeeaaaaally slow and time-wasting. Anyway. That contributed to my turmoil, "Why is this happening to my family?"

I refused to speak to anyone that evening.



And then everything became normal the next day.

Stupid, stupid me!
[I'm being a fool!...considering how much I had thought about while crying myself out.]

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