Regarding Monday's story, I was just going to mention about my personality type, which is INTP... maa.. 

On Wednesday (March 13th), I had a group discussion at my school's foyer. The assignment involved programming using Prolog... which we aren't too familiar with (but is fun to play around with after you know the basics). Well, while discussing, sometimes our fellow coursemates came & gave out some not-so-helpful :P comments. Two seniors in particular were like this: "Don't ask us, we only learnt about theory [during our time].." This was perfectly understandable. Anyway, the comments that bothered me came from a someone (from the same batch with me & already graduated) were...

"What? You're doing programming using this ancient language?"

And then this same person suggested that we ask S-san ("His programming skill is good, he must know something") for help. An hour later, S-san, who was going to have lunch (if I remember correctly) saw us.. & sat with us. We asked him if he knew about Prolog & his answer was, "No." I was a bit disappointed but I did expect something like that. 

Erm... programming isn't really my favourite..uh.. activity but hearing him say "ancient" made me feel sad. It was like when あくま said half-jokingly, "We don't need artists anymore because computers can make realistic paintings". Actually, it felt like my heart died a little (exaggerating much XD)... I was thinking... ah.. this is the kind of person who's pursuing postgraduate studies now *sarcastic*. 

I don't see the need to call it ancient. Newer doesn't mean it would be better...

Actually.. it annoyed me. I was expecting a more passionate [with his field] kind of post-graduate student. Such comments gave a gist to his way of thinking. It's not pretty.

Hah... Maybe I'm being jealous. It was like seeing two students practising their japanese language aural exam. I didn't have the chance to join the classes. They'd studied so long but they still couldn't pronounce things correctly. I take pride in my way of thinking. It was irritating to see someone like that already graduated... & me still stuck (lol). Maa maa... It's my own fault for being lazy really XD

Speaking of being an INTP, it's a pity that I'm not into programming... because when I get obsessed with something, it can be frightening. 

There is something that has been bothering me since Wednesday.

But before that, I'll talk about Monday first.

Once again, on that day, あくま held another motivation erm.. event which included meeting the parents (YES.. & it started since previous semester!) for this semester. I was very guai before, I attended two of them. The second time was a disaster... to me & my emotions. I promised myself that I WILL NOT attend for this semester, no matter what they say because the last person I want to meet to discuss my academic problems would be the head program himself! Call me petty if you want to... I'm still very much hurt by his "act of incompetence" last semester.     

Anyway, so I refused to go. I blocked calls from the person-in-charge. They sent me an invitation letter (handed to me by a friend). During a class, the lecturer in charge asked for me (& two others) to inform about this event. She asked me straight out if I'm going to attend then I answered "No" & it ended there... just like that. I actually had my own list of reasons why I refuse to go (which included "You are not the right person I need to solve my problems -- I need professionals' help -- NOT you."), but I'm satisfied with that ending. 

Moving on... through eavesdropping (lol) & asking some of my friends who attended, it seemed like they had a greater time this time around - which is well, good, of course. Those lucky people didn't attend the somber version, so yeah..  lucky them. But I don't envy them... & I don't feel left out.. my decision of not going is beneficial for my mental health. In case you're wondering, I already met my mentor to discuss about my academic problems & plans in week one (day 2 to be precise, I couldn't find her on day 1) - I'm way ahead them thank you very much. 

Okay.. back to the topic. During the event, they did the Myers-Briggs personality test - I was shocked!!! I've been obsessing over my personality type since last semester.. which explains so many things about my problems *it's a long story//sigh*...  Actually I began to suspect if any of the lecturers have discovered my blog.. or my very public twitter account (conspiracy theorist in action)... haha.. but I ended up thinking that it's just a coincidence; maybe the lecturer is familiar with this personality test during her study in USA(?)..

to be continued...

Shopping bag >>

Received these yesterday... 

I think I'm more happy to see those songbooks (haha).. It's hard to find Onitsuka Chihiro's piano scores nowadays - so glad that I managed to get it. And Tokei~! Yes, yes, yes! That was my main reason for purchasing Arashi's "My Girl" songbook ^_^

Speaking of books, I bought more books this year (my prediction was a bit off - I almost can't purchase Popcorn Live DVD today *sigh*)... oh and I used BB1M book vouchers to get these:

Textbooks! Both are for courses which I happened to like this semester. I love the lecturer for Mathematical Modelling - his lecture classes   make sense (he might just be the only person that could make me like Math again). I've always regard AI as an interesting subject... but.. the lecture classes bore me to death. Honestly, I was quite disappointed... it was a new lecturer (never went to her classes before)... I can't wait for the next lecturer's turn to enter class. She taught us "Data Compression" last semester, I love her teaching style (although one has to bear her painful tsukkomis to really enjoy her classes).

Anyway.. The cooking-related book is obviously for my cooking hobby XD.. & I picked "The Last Lecture" at random.. sounded like something I need to read right now (but I haven't started..so...)

Blog >>

Didn't update this blog for more than two months... ahh. I actually have 3 draft posts at this moment. Will post them sloooowly later... one by one... 

Arashi >>

"Himitsu no Arashi-chan" will broadcast its final episode next week. I love HnA. Not only for Arashi but for the show itself (which mainly caters for female viewers)... There were times where it helped me like some actresses more (better understanding of their real life I guess)... and those episodes with Maou hair *dreamy*... Reading news about other members' solo shows makes me wonder what will happen to Ohno & Jun. Jun actually co-hosts some annual show so I guess I'm more worried about Ohno (lol).. Of course, I'm hoping for acting projects (nothing since KagiHeya! What are you doing Ohno??!)... but fishing show, art show/exhibition or solo album/concert sounds nice too, so yeah, please do something this year, Ohno-san! XD 

... I'm also hoping that he'll star in this year's 24hr TV drama special...

p/s: Recommended SMAP-Arashi article of the day - here XD (makes me want to rewatch Arashi's appearance on Utaban again)

The previous week was the final week for this semester.

I was reluctant to attend the last class I had for that week. Was hoping that the lecturer will go with what she said a week before... 

*sigh* I went anyway... But it wasn't a normal lecture. She just informed us about our informal final exam (which was yesterday)... & shared some wisdom regarding the recent viva presentation. まあ。My DoS side made a brief appearance. She commented that the current batch was far more worse than the previous one (my batch). I didn't see the whole thing so I can't really form a general opinion... but if she say so, I'll take her word for it. 

いや。 Really. I'm glad that I went to see the viva presentation. I think... seeing the lecturers I had problem with before act professionally during viva had changed the way I see them. Just a bit I think... (I still can't accept their attitude). I was thinking, "They can act unbiased too huh." I hope that didn't sound worse than the way I meant it XD... I guess..it's understandable for them to have those prejudices (btw I really wish that they try not to think too much about them...)... when the quality of the students is just that. 

Back to class... she even gave some reviews which I think is useful for those who didn't do well for their Project I/viva. I wonder if the others were listening though... the lecturer is well known for her spicy comments during viva (thanks to stories told by students from the same batch with me)... so it could be possible that those juniors will just ignore what she said... Actually, I suspect that the horror stories were exaggerated. The two so-called infamous lecturers that will shoot you with deadly questions during viva DO know what they're asking. Of course, they'll be skeptical at times but isn't that the purpose of doing the viva? A chance to defend your research? 

Sometimes, I'm afraid that those viva stories will create misunderstandings... What if.. what if the comments given by the lecturers might had been helpful for them but because they "know" it's all just critics, they just disregard the comments?

≣≣≣≣≣★≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣≣
Addendum
16/Jan/2020
After 7 years staying as a draft post, this post is finally published today (backdated). As I mentioned last month, I probably planned to add something in the end  of the post but forgot to do so... The content isn't relevant to current day  me anymore...("My 'black years' phase never ended") but since it's part of my life experience, I decided to publish it anyway. To my old self: F.

Attended the viva presentation (for my program) yesterday... & also the day before. But I missed the morning sessions because I woke up late XD

I attended once before. It was during my batch's viva... Didn't go to the 2nd (Project II) one but I've heard horror stories about it. If I really have no idea on how to write a research paper, I would be very, very, very scared by now. *sigh*

The second day was scarier. The problems were still the same (it really doesn't matter if the head program doesn't know much math) as before, lack of researcher's skills... erm... things like that. To be honest, I find that the comments given by the lecturers (including those I have issues with lol) were potentially very helpful - should be helpful for them in their research but alas... some of them didn't even understand what they did wrong (they were clueless when asked if they understand what the lecturers just told them). Of course, the way they express their comments wasn't always very nice... so it might be hard to listen to them... but their suggestions were helpful, especially for a screwed up thesis paper.

I know that I will face the same thing next semester, but... あの日、ドSになっちゃった。I'm not even sorry for making that my initial reason of attending (I learnt a lot though in the end so I was glad I went... *hopefully I'll remember them*)... but seeing overconfident 後輩たち crumbled (esp those who I find rude before) was such a pleasure (言っちゃった!). Yes, I'm saying this so carelessly without any guarantee that the same thing will happen to me. Maa... if I screwed up, it would be a nice story to blog about anyway...

Oh yeah. One thing that really caught my attention was the strictness of which language is allowed for them to use for their thesis. At the beginning of the semester, I saw some of the permission (to write their thesis paper in english) form sent (by juniors) at the general office & wondered if they are up to it. During the viva presentation, some students were asked about their MUET band (I was surprised because I thought they got higher *overthinking*) & the head program passed his judgement like "You do in Malay!" (even though that person did it in English) in the end.. I actually thought あくま looked so cool doing that!!!

．
．
．

楽しかったです～

I skipped November this year!

Only for this blog though. 

So... this week was the week they submitted the draft for the first 3 chapters of their final year project. Me excluded. (Off-topic: I found out I wasn't alone. There's another guy who's in the same batch with me who will start doing his thesis next semester. Hello friend! lol). 

Anyway... been taking classes with juniors since few semesters ago.. I'm able to recognize most of them nowadays (except those I rarely talk to) although, honestly, I couldn't remember their names. *bitter smile* They remembered mine though... Gee. Was/Am I discussed that much by other lecturers? *perasan XD* Some of them are naturally lovable... They are usually the mood-makers of [certain] classes.. And of course. Some were annoying. That's not really a problem. The ones that could occupy my mind with anger (& a bit hatred *I'm being honest here*) are the rude ones. With my inner conspiracy theorist & Naruse-like thoughts at action, I used to always wonder just what assumptions about my character were told to those juniors by あくま et al. Okay... maybe it's unrelated... *thinking too much kind of thing*.. but a few weeks ago, I find myself offended by what some of them said & did (different people) - yes, I'm ashamed to admit to myself that I can be petty & sensitive during those moments... moments I will not mention here - I spent hours replaying those scenes in my head... I know it could get worse so I decided to play the ignore card again. It worked out beautifully.

Ahh... Now I feel like pouring out everything here. Maybe later.. in other posts.

"There's some kind of prejudice going on," said my conspiracy theorist side. It's inevitable...? Students who extend their studies in university only consist of failing/repeating students... you think? (Maa... It is true for my case. I didn't forget that fact.) But that isn't the only reason they have to extend... *sigh* Alright. I guess, for lecturers, they speak with experience - they had seen other realities... but I'm not obliged to agree with them all the time.

Especially if the lecturer is someone who spreads unproven accusations around & in risk (or maybe it has happened?) of damaging a student's reputation... I don't have to always agree with what this kind of person said. 

A lot of things had happened since my previous post. 

I did, on two different occasions, ignored  and pretended not to see あくま. The first one was when my friends and I walked past the lecturers' parking area. Coincidentally, he was just about to leave -I saw his car- & I just kept on walking. I could hear some car honking behind me. It was him alright... but I didn't bother looking back anymore, thinking he was calling out to my friend, F-san. Then my other friend called my name. He wanted to meet me too it seems... He asked me about my final year project (I think it was because I didn't submit a title and supervisor's name & he knew about it through their meeting). The other one was when F-san & I went to the our school's general office. He was checking his lecturer-mailbox. I walked on as if he wasn't there. Of course, my childish side considers these as achievements XD

Moving on.. Last week I came upon the realization that the depression I think I had during my SPM years might have develop to something worse. The symptoms fit with the things I did & felt post-2007... It was kind of more noticeable nowadays (which prompted me to look up on the symptoms online last week). I dare not think it would be true... but if it IS true, then it would explain why I behave like I do now. You know, I thought I got better during form 6 when I started looking forward to tomorrows and not think of sleeping eternally and hoping that I never wake up anymore... I never really did (or do) think of deaths though.. just some kind of comatose state (if you notice, I seem to contradict myself years ago..hmm)... I actually believe that there are things I can look forward to in the future &  what I experience now is only temporary... 

Arashi's "truth". I always listen to this when I'm angry.
Edited 7 years later. Music video from Arashi's own youtube channel!

Current mood: Bitchy.

Yesterday, while I was busy with the processes (had to go to many places to get the form signed) of renewing my matric card (3 words: Expired. Extension. Important.), I received a text message from my friend about DrA (gosh Mel! I'm so tempted to use the nickname あくま for him *such a perfect initial*). I had given him my form (I want to take another subject this semester but I'm one credit hour over the allowed amount *15*) the day before. Written comment(s) must be attached to the form before the dean can sign it. He knew that all along... & yet he didn't inform me earlier... *annoyed* *あくま！*... Anyway.. he had problems with the subjects I plan to take this semester (all 3rd year subjects).. he suggested that I switch programmes (I'd thought of this before) & I explained I don't want to because I couldn't stand going through another 3 years (AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO/CAN USE THE DEGREE TO GET THE JOB I WANT LATER *arrogant*). Then he further suggested I change - re-take some 2nd year subjects - because all the 3rd year subjects are killer subjects. HUH? You think I'm not aware of that?? ...to be honest, to me, all of them are killer subjects because I hate what I'm studying now! I didn't get it why he was so against the subjects I decided to take this semester! Maa... I can understand if it involved the subjects he teach, I can TOTALLY UNDERSTAND if he doesn't allow me to take them... but it really baffled me. I thought "What the heck was going on?" while I was holding back my tears... 

While he was typing out the official memo (the "comments" needed), I couldn't hold them anymore. Amidst my tears-shedding moment, something he said caught my attention. He was saying something like how could he allow I take those subjects when I failed four subjects... blah blah blah... Then I realised that he was referring to my old results (actually I already barely passed three of them!!). WTH? 1&*^$*@83!!!!!!!!!

To make the story short, for this semester I'm not going take his bloody class. I'm allowed to take the other subject (in which he's in charge of the lab tutorial session) if only I will report to him about my progress (& if it's bad, I have to withdraw from taking the subject).

Life is complicated. 

Anyway, I cried because I couldn't accept the way he was treating me. Yeah, I know, I REALLY KNOW & AWARE that my results aren't good (but that was mostly because I didn't care to study *so bad!*) but I'm not stupid! My ego just can't handle that treatment... I know that I'm good at a lot of things [I like]... he sounds like he's assuming that I'm bad at that. Among the things he asked me was if I finished taking my language classes... WHAT language class? I already got that over with many semesters ago... so obviously he thought I'm taking the 5-semester English class!!!! WHAT???? I know my english level isn't the best, but I dare say mine is better than his! There, I said it! *Arrogance=MAX*... Of course he speaks in english with confidence but he's always committing grammar mistakes *says the grammar enthusiast in me* HUH! 

At this moment, I'm so/still bitchy & bitter about the whole thing that I can't find a place in my heart to respect him anymore. I plan to ignore him for the rest of my life. Expect bad behaviour from me whenever we meet!

Finally had the courage to update my blog. 

September is supposed to always be my best month of the year... 

But this year's September started sweetly (with my birthday or was that supposed to be bitter too because I got a year older? XD)... & then bitterly with my best friend leaving Sabah to further her studies few days later... 

...& another new semester starting this week.

SIGH.

I do love familiarity a lot... I think I do get lost (at first) when someone I used to have around me is going to go somewhere out of my reach (by hand, lol). The recent news of my sister's audition for a local music diploma somewhat upsets me.

I feel so selfish & guilty. 

And... new semester... ermm...I don't know. "It's going to be okay" is a phrase I should keep telling myself now, but I'm just so not convinced at this moment. 

...

*moving on to happy thoughts*

Thank you to everyone who wished me happy birthday ❤

M-chanへ

I just read your letter today (a week later).. firstly, I want to apologize for the Sunday we were supposed to meet. 本当にすみません！m(_ _)m  

Your letter gives me encouragement to persevere... *hopefully this semester will be fine - that's all I'm asking for now*.. I'm sure you'll do fine with the new environment ❤... I don't know what to say anymore at this moment :P.. so.. 

THANK YOU for the letter & the present(s). I can't wait to read it!