Sigh.
Where do I begin?

Honestly, been feeling & recalling... negative stuff lately...

I suddenly recall some particular occurrence in university. I remember feeling down for some time and then next week I was happy(?), full of hopes "I feel good! I can do this!"... then.. got back to feeling down days after that. At first, I thought "oh so I'm not that depressed then"... but... deep inside I know what I was going through wasn't normal. It didn't help that googling the symptoms brought me to the idea of bipolar disorder... hah! As if!....

...but...what if...

*silence*


Yeah.. so I recalled about that thing.. and another thing from primary school days. I... well.. how do I say this... in my mind, I see it as "I was bullied" but it was more like I got pushed into doing things I didn't want to...? I used to be that kid that couldn't say no & probably came across as a pushover to some people.. It was only in secondary school that I became braver at saying no. But not all the time. Even now... if I could avoid saying no, I will try to anticipate if I might fall into such events and act accordingly (might even involve manipulation)... in short, the current me is sensitive to hints of bullying/taking advantage of me...

...so it's probably obvious at this part.. Yes. My mind is going all directions and I'm talking gibberish... just hoping that putting these stuff down here help these rushing thoughts slow down..


Another thing... recently, I'm worried of getting bored easily. I don't care if I'm boring to others (har-har).. not that.. I'm worried that when I do something I enjoy, I would lose interest in it soon. This worry is real and I feel stressed over this more than I should..